Confusion 

So the truth sets you free. 

This is a fact.  

The truth is I know nothing, I have thought I have done things, yet it was me forcing it, and poor Love was so alone for over 8 months living in the trauma … terrorized and terrified by the memory she came from.

….(Mantras in the back of my mind repeating ad nauseum, “The truth is Poweful”; “Fuck the rules of having to get it right or wrong, it isn’t about being fucking right or fucking wrong it is about connection and relationships”; “We are safe, so Be safe”)… 

Last week we went to our session, many layers of exhausted and confused.

(LPL and Love did see Jesus and do know Jesus is LOVE… Yet it was my mind (Liz)  who tried to force them together … we truly wanted it so bad … we wanted to be good …  we wanted to get it right. (back in January 2017))…

Yet, all we did was.. Try to do it on our own we tried to force her without her buy in… we tried to force my little 2 year old Love back in me … she appeared to comply yet, I, Liz, never really heard her… (however at the time and truly for months I really did believe she was in LPL, yet something felt off when I really focused on me…) 

Now since last week, in my sessions when Love is brave enough to speak it is just not like I am there, logically sure, but it doesn’t FEEL like me. And that is hard for me, Liz and WB to grasp.  

I believe it is true, I vividly still see and remember what happened in our session last week when we processed my dad’s anger …  

how it felt as if this part of me was not a part of me at all. Just a little girl, 2 years old who looked like me, but I couldn’t feel her at all.  I couldn’t feel her … with the help of God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, and the amazing attunement of my counselor we were able to help me, help my little Love come with me out of that memory from 1980, into the present.  

She is so scared though. 

She doesn’t trust me, Liz at all.  

She wants too but feels so rejected.

She trusts Hope and Edgyth and our counselor. 

We have homework this weekend and before our session next week to create how each of us who are older than Love, love her and create safety for her, and how we NEED her and how she BElongs!!! She wants to see it is safe.  We want to show Love, It Is Safe Now.  It Is Safe Now. So our hypervilgilence is not on hyperdrive alll the fucking time.

“[Jesus tells us,] I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.” (John 15:5)

So let us remain in the Lord, all of me, my Beautifully Brave system.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It doesn’t envy, it doesn’t boast, it isn’t proud. It doesn’t dishonor others, it isn’t self seeking, it isn’t easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love doesn’t delight in evil but rejoices with Truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails … ” (1 Corinthians 13:4-8a).

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Now those who belong to Christ have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.  If we live by the Spirit, let us also behave in accordance with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, being jealous of one another.” (Galatians 5:22-26)

Praise God, who is the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! It is because of his great mercy to us that he has given us new life. Because he has caused Jesus Christ to become alive again after he died, he has enabled us to live very confidently; that is, to fully expect to receive the things that God/​he has promised to give us. He has enabled us to expect to receive an absolutely imperishable/​indestructible inheritance that has been {that God has} preserved in heaven for us. God, by his mighty power, is guarding you as you trust in Jesus. He is keeping you safe so that he may, at the end of the time in which we now live (OR, when Jesus returns), completely deliver you from Satan’s powerYou rejoice because of what will happen then, but now you are grieving for a short time while God is allowing you to be tested {various things to test you, as precious metals are tested {someone tests precious metals} to see if they are pure. These trials that you are experiencing are necessary to prove that you really do trust in Jesus. His proving that will be more valuable than gold, which does not last forever even though it is purified by being put {someone tries to make it pure by putting it} in a hot fire. As a result of your passing the test and proving that you really do trust in Jesus, God will honor you very highly when Jesus Christ comes again. You love Jesus, although you have not seen him. Although you do not see him now, you rejoice very much because you are experiencing the result of your believing in him; that is, God is saving you from the guilt of your sins.” (1 Peter 3-9).

Because you have a relationship with the Lord, always rejoice! I say again, rejoice!  Act in such a way that everyone can know that you are gentle. The Lord is near (OR, coming soon). Do not worry about anything. Instead, in every situation, pray to God, tell him what you need, and ask him to help you. Also thank him for what he does for youAs a result, God will enable you not to worry about anything (OR, God will protect your minds in every way). That is, he will cause you to have inner peace because you have a relationship with Christ Jesus. You will not be able to understand how you can be so peaceful in such difficult circumstances. My fellow believers there is one more thing I want you to do. Whatever is true, whatever is worthy of respect, whatever is right, whatever is morally pure, whatever is pleasing, whatever is admirable, whatever is good, whatever deserves praise, those are the things that you should continually think about. Those things that I have taught you and that you have received from me, those things that you have heard me say and that you have seen me do, those are the things that you yourselves should continually do. As a result of your doing those things, God, the one who causes us to have innerpeace, will ◄be with/​bless► you.”  (Philippians 4:4-9).

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Grace 

Learning that we have no control over the things that happen to us,  yet we have a loving God who knows how our life turns out……

Believing we have a Savior who chose to come to Earth to live life as fully man and fully God.  Who died upon a cross to take on all our sins, so we never need to be alone in this world……

Knowing we have the perfect counselor living in us, the Spirit of the living God lives in each who choose to listen to God’s voice instead of  going their own way.  Yet, even if we fail to listen to the Elohim, we still are loved, simply because WE EXIST!!

That to me is pure love and total Grace. I do not have to have all the answers because I have God living in me because I choose to choose the Grace …. The Grace Jesus freely provides because of my Faith in Him dying on the cross for my sins!

Grace is fucking Amazing, isn’t it??  Totally fucking amazing.  God freely lavishes us with  Grace, if we choose to trust our life in Him, and Jesus. Once we confess our sins, at THAT VERY moment we accept Jesus as our Savior, the Holy Spirit of the Living God, the Comforter, comes and resides in us.   That is AMAZING, AND PERECT, FUCKING GRACE!!

Choose Grace and live in freedom!

1 John 4: 1-19:

1 Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits, to see whether they are from God; because many false prophets have gone forth into the world. 2  By this you know the Spirit of God: Every spirit that confesses that Jesus Christ has come in the flesh is from God. 3  and every spirit that does not confess that Jesus Christ has come in the flesh is not from God. And this is the spirit of the Antichrist, which you have heard was coming, and is now already in the world. 4  You are of God, little children, and have overcome them, because He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world. 5  They are of the world. Therefore they speak of the world, and the world hears them. 6  We are of God. He who knows God hears us; he who is not of God does not hear us. By this we know the Spirit of Truth and the spirit of error.  7  Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born from God and knows God.  8  He who does not love does not know God, for God is love. 9  In this the love of God was revealed in us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through Him. 10  In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins. 11  Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. 12  No one has seen God at any time. If we love one another, God abides in us, and His love has been perfected in us. 13  By this we know that we abide in Him, and He in us, because He has given us of His Spirit. 14  And we have seen and bear witness that the Father has sent the Son as Savior of the world. 15  Whoever confesses that Jesus is the Son of God, God abides in him, and he in God. 16  And we have known and believed the love that God has in us. God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him. 17  Love has been perfected with us in this: that we may have confidence in the day of judgment; because as He is, so are we in this world. 18  There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment. But he who fears has not been made complete in love. 19  We love Him because He first loved us.

Growth

Loved

 

Redeemed

 

Beautiful

 

Allowed

 

Free

 

Those words have empowered me since, the precious Holy Spirit revealed them during a recent counseling session.

My parts of my system, Beautifully Brave have recently decided to start journalling to each other every day!

Hope is growing into her fullest capacity. The journey is amazing! I am cognizant how incapable I am to ever do this without God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit! Elohim, God in Three persons, is my lifeline of HELP!

 

Held

 

 

Encouraged

 

Loved

 

Protected

 so as to turn your ear to wisdom, and apply your heart to understanding;  3  yes, if you call out for discernment, and lift up your voice for understanding;  if you seek her as silver, and search for her as for hidden treasures:  5  then you will understand the fear of Yahweh, and find the knowledge of God.  (The Hebrew word rendered “God” is “אֱלֹהִ֑ים” (Elohim)).  6  For Yahweh gives wisdom. Out of his mouth comes knowledge and understanding.  He lays up sound wisdom for the upright. He is a shield to those who walk in integrity,  that he may guard the paths of justice, and preserve the way of his saints.  Then you will understand righteousness and justice, equity and every good path.  10  For wisdom will enter into your heart. Knowledge will be pleasant to your soul. 11  Discretion will watch over you. Understanding will keep you, ” (Proverbs 2:2-11).

Liz and BB

Who are WE? Facebook reminded me I had a post a year ago to the date.  I have not read it. My week is challenging.  
I realize it is because I long for what never will be.  
Yet the truth is I have a loving Father who never leaves me or forsakes me.  

I want to update the Parts of me that I originally shared a long while ago and for a long time had it password protected. Yet today, I choose to change that again and post a new update of who I am and what I know about all of me. I want to include the original text and update it just to remember in the future.

The parts of me I know: *EZE (formed from E (li) Z (ab) E (th)* *lo^ə (from fear which came out of LPL)* *liv* *trust (formerly pain)* *Dreamer (formerly sacrifice)* *liv* *Joy (formerly ultra)* *Peace (formerly hidden)* *M3rci* *lovies (formerly sex parts)* *LPL* *little lizzy* *Gr@c3 (formerly two parts Venus and R3b3l  (covered by grace))* *MomyE* *Worker Bee* *Hope (formerly scrambled eggs, and originally Scribe)* *Logic Liz* work together to form Beautifully Brave (BB) (my system) and each identity has a fucking purpose for existence.
EZE, Lo^ə, Trust, Dreamer, liv, M3rci, Lovies, little lizzy are all littles from ages three to seven  LPL – who is one of my main protectors and holds a lot of control of my emotions.  She is embarrassed to share her physical age (young)  Joy – is another young protector along with Peace – these two… protect me during s*xually abuses  Gr@c3 – another protector in her teens, very angry, very rebellious, and protective *UPDATE – 04/14/2017* – grace was never a teen she came from rebel, and is actually very innocent, sweet and very articulate.  MomyE – a mommy ..always wanted to be a mommy, six years old, tries to help be a mommy in real life to own kids, never wants anyone to be hurt ever  Worker Bee – my knowledge of so many things especially related to work  Hope – my wisdom retainer and sharer with all parts who will listen  Logic Liz that’s me.  I suppose it’s me. Sometimes I don’t know. and BB.  These parts form my system of BB.

A while ago we posted the parts of us who have either joined together or decided to meld into Liz…Comings together…link (click for full context of the following quote 🙂

“I saw Jesus and me – Jesus took all my parts that are deciding to conjoin to be who it is we are – on this part of our healing Journey and firstly it was an Explosion of green?! (which makes sense! Perfect sense M3rci was the first to speak up about sexual abuse —and M3rci is represented by green). Okay so then it was Jesus and lovies is a heart, a red heart that is held/housed in Jesus heart and Samson comes in represented by yellow just a yellow (well in my time with Jesus at first Samson did turn into the shape of a penis but Jesus took him and he just melted into a yellow peaceful splash of color that was absorbed into the middle of lovies, who was still in the middle of Jesus heart. And then M3rci came in represented by green splash of color and was soaked into the middle of lovies (a red heart) which was still inside of Jesus heart and Jesus gently pushes us into lovies and we are then … Peace flows to and then hides from Jesus because of shame and fear, yet the Holy Spirit and God guide Peace back to Jesus and we are absorbed into Jesus hands, and flow through his arms and with the Holy Spirit are infused into lovies, and the Holy Spirit stays in us, inside of lovies. And then Joy is diamond hard, impenetrable yet malleable and shaped into a perfectly clear, translucent heart that instantly Jesus places and forms and melds to lovies and loves transformation is complete! We are lovies inside Liz and BB, because Jesus has us in His heart yet instantly we are in Liz’s also and we are safe because the Holy Spirit infused in us and Jesus created us and Liz houses us and we are part of Beautifully Brave.
And then I see and sense LPL who senses her transformation was … yet before a thought can fully evolve – Jesus gently picks up LPL and melodically whispers, “you are LPL I formed you – you are one with Love – love is in you, LPL, and remains. I formed you – you are malleable, amazing, and soldered together with the Holy Spirit” The Holy Spirit is the teal color and shape of a heart (which represents love inside of LPL). LPL you are amazingly beautifully colored different variations of purple and blue – cannot be described with human words and in the shape of the human you are human. We are Liz and we protect Liz because Jesus created us and the Holy Spirit keeps us together
and then we have dreamer – oh dreamer is from trust and dreamer and gentle. Dreamer is teal with purplish mix, trust is orange, and gentle is gold.  We are Liz we help Liz dream. Our function is to help Liz dream and Trust and gently remember she, Liz is the mom and knows what to do. So I gentle am in dreamer with trust because that is where we belong now.  We are not a real form (solid shape) we are fully present though during dreams and other times that Liz needs us. We are formed and molded together by Jesus and the Holy Spirit infuses us and melds us together and we flow freely as energy and as thoughts – as exactly who dreamer is supposed to be.

Parts of my system

EZE – is a baby, recently (04/11/2017) shown to me during my time with MC on my healing journey.
lovies – all of the s*xually abused parts of myself in one.  Which came pouring over into my journey this week. Yet now we have something that we can go to, that MC helped EZE see – Jesus holding us. Jesus showed us this image as we were struggling greatly for peace.  c51bf801e60451ed1bcd569b644ece63
Rebel grace – Rebel my teen (holds a LOT of anger) and grace as one (is innocent, sweet, and articulate and only about 5). Rebel grace became Rebel grace not so long ago also.
LPL – Little Protector Liz – still my little protector – of all, tried to be the child we know we are (about age 7 to 9), yet, not ready for this yet.  *protects by knowing what to anticipate and expect others need from us*
little lizzy – fun loving child (about age 9) who loves to play – all things fun. Also helps me speak my truth, by allowing me to do something with my hands to help me feel safer to speak.
Venus – a teenager, who loves to help me pick out clothes that look good on me.  And one who loves to be loved, yet doesn’t understand it, and is VERY confused with the word LOVE!
Worker Bee – an adult (I think) who is just good at all things! Really good at all things requiring cognition, research, and creativity.  Helps me keep the job I have, and be able to connect with people by using all the knowledge WB (I) possess.
Hope – my adult part that is nurturing and protective to others and all parts of myself.
Liz and Beautifully Brave – it is me, along with dreamer, and trust, and MomyE. (dreamer, trust, momyE are still learning, yet also helping me all the time to just function as a mom and emoting better).

Those are the parts of me as I know it or should I say, as we know it. 🙂

Fuck getting it right, it’s about …

Connections

“I feel like I have to get it right all the time… if I do not get it right, I believe I will either “get in trouble” or be told how stupid and bad I am.”

Those beliefs, those words constantly run through my head.

I think today we (with the help of  MC) we discovered the root cause of this belief.

It was a cold day, I opened the door to our deep freeze, being the age of five I wondered how cold the freezer was. So in my five year old wisdom, I decided to try to lick it the self of the freezer to see if it was really cold or not.  My tongue was stuck! I thought about screaming, yet knew it would be thrown back at me. My sister in her three year old wisdom did go find our dad, and he came stomping out to the garage and yelled at me in such a mean tone,  “you did this yourself figure out how to get out of it”  “Why are you so stupid, I cannot believe you did that” and then he just walked away and left me there to figure out how to move.

I tried and tried and tried to get off without my tongue staying behind.  (well not all of it but a chunk. of it did stay behind. And when I asked for help again I was told..”too bad you should know better than to do that”… “just leave the room so I do not give you something to cry about”

This memory honestly cannot be the first one of this nature.

I am sure it was not first time I heard those words, yet it is the one that sticks out the most.  It hurts to think about it, not physically per se, yet I feel these feels so deep within my chest, it hurts and I want to cry yet not alone.

I was only five years old, I honestly can say when I look at it again at this time, and I can see I actually knew I would not receive help, yet I still tried.

I was scared, so alone, so tossed aside, like a throwaway person meant to absorb all the bad feels around me. (again this is a lie also from the one who is the father of all lies – fucker himself, the evil one, satan, who wants to steal, kill, and destroy … I do not want to align myself with him.  To accept this is hard. As in to accept when I do not align myself with God I am in turn aligning myself with satan fuck to the fucking fuck that is a hard one to swallow, yet it is so fucking true!

My homework for this memory, this deep rooted horrible shame-filled belief, is to write a letter to it, to all the times I remember it being “emphasized, or further pounded into me as TRUTH”… write a letter to this thought/belief and tell it how we, Liz and BB and LPL especially she holds these memories… and share with ourselves in this letter and to this memory the truth about the situation. YES it happened. YES it fucking sucked!  YES it hurts, YES it is not the only time I was told my worth was based on how I did get it right, even if no rules were shared, I had BETTER fucking know what they were ahead of time or there would be all kinds of hell to pay.

Well my homework is to write a letter to share with this memory to remind LPL the truth of what we saw today during our session. We did a little processing to change how our view. To see God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit in this memory and they say to me, I am never alone, I am brave, I am loved, and I have all I need and I do not have to do this on my own. THEY are always with me and will walk and are walking with me through this healing process.

Relationship

OH wait there is more homework. Whenever I feel the need to apologize to MC for what I said, or how I feel; change it to the words to, “I have important things to say, my voice matters, and I am allowed to share it”.

It is not fucking easy!

I can see how much a difference it makes to actively notice my words are valid and important, and I do not need to apologize for my feels or truths about me.

LPL you are allowed to write this letter, to live in truth, and take one more step on our healing path. To freely live the LIFE God created for us to LIVE!

Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted (Matthew 5:4).

Fear becomes…

fear is what happened all morning, I couldn’t see the truth, the light, the love I know exists, I was unable to help my lovies out… I had terrible terrible nightmares last night.  Awakened, as I usually am by my loving husband – yet it was not an adult part of me…

I longed for it to be, yet at this time

I.

Just.

Didn’t know how!  that caused a lot of fear, confusion, and more pain… I do not remember what happened in my bedroom other than, my husband came in and prayed for us, while we were listening to our resources script (recorded on my phone from one of my sessions with MC).  It helped some yet, this deep agony of the only way to describe it is oppressive, compressing, obliteration of self into shame…

 I tried to do what I know we can..

we just…

were little. At the time, in my bed and I did not understand who… (looking back from what I understand now), it is lovies who awakened first today… and was present until about 45 minutes after I showered.

That is painful in a lot of ways,

painful I couldn’t help her stop.. the agonizing pain I can see, but not really fully experience…

it is not fair to lovies to have to endure this pain alone.

She has taken on so much so much…

no one should EVER fucking have to endure, let alone at the ages it occurred and the confusion and effect it caused us to BE who we are.

Which I am happy for us all.  ALL of me I love, adore and KNOW I couldn’t survive without them.  LPL thought she was present during all of this morning, (yet, she only was a little bit when husband was asking us to do things we just — didn’t even fully understand at the time. We tried yet, yeah we should just be able to get over this stuff and not be young like we are…. and be the adult we are.. yet we just were not). And that hurts all inside. I am sad they feel so sad and like they did something wrong. Yet

YET the fucking truth is they did everything right.  I let us down by not being the adult I am yet I didn’t know how to this morning.  I was there but not.. I cannot explain it any other way and IT fucking hurts to admit this weakness, this shame, this humiliation I feel…

I know the truth is this is not From God nor does it benefit any part of me to feel this shame — so it is from fucker himself!  

Lovies is terrified and petrified to shower again, now.  LPL feels guilt as well as Rebel and Venus for not keeping lovies safe this morning, yet how could we? were not awake? Yet I just — this makes no logical sense to me, how the FUCKING FUCK IS THIS FUCKING EVENFUCKING possible?  I feel like I am seeing what happened, yet it is not me, yet it is???

I feel like a fucking liar… Like this is too hard like this bullfuckingshit hurts so much … what the fuck, is the fucking point??? —

Yet then again – the truth is …. I am loved, all of Liz and Beautifully Brave not because of what we do, not because of the things we do correctly… we are LOVED simply because we exist! Simply because we all CHOOSE CHRIST as the one who is our savior. Because we believe HE died for my sins, my wrongs I do, and still He, Jesus Christ, still wanted to rie from the grave, even for US!  HE rose from the grave three days later, and THIS is my LIFE I have waiting for me IN Heaven… –perfection, no more pain, tears, hurts, shame.  Only Love, adoration, Praise to the Creator of me and all the Earth who LOVED me and everyone SO much HE sacrificed HIS only ONLY son, to DIE a terrible, horrible death, CRUCIFIED so I can live forever in Perfection when this earthly body deteriorates away, my soul Lives forever.

what about now my littles inquire, ask and long to know the answer too… and wait, we all do know this answer – even though they feel inadequate, unable too, and not allowed to experience the HOLY SPIRIT – He is ALWAYS in US because WE choose CHRIST AS OUR SAVIOR AND BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IN JESUS.  

my words I speak, the words I choose to capitalize is simply for me, for how I understand, for how I connect with me. To ensure all of me, Liz and BB, we KNOW we are loved just as we are, and the truth is no MATTER what happens, we have worth. The lie is Life will be easy. The lie is we will never suffer, (fuck I wish it were truth though oh so often), the lie is we will get it right if we have HOLY SPIRIT in us.  Well we have this thing called free will, and oh how it is so tied to the fucker himself, he has us just with our first twinge of fear and when we give into that fear he has us, and we are taken down, down, down… not always – yet sometimes.. and in these sometimes, we feel our life is over, we are not worthy of living, we have fucked up for the last time, and we do not deserve the gift of life.

Yet, who are WE, to say we have NO worth?

Did we create our self?

Did we magically just “poof” BE-come?

Or, are we part of God’s loving plan for creation, and have an amazing Purpose for Existing. Not because we deserve to live, because HE created us TO share HIS truth with the world. So the world MAY know LOVE.

Love is always faithful. Love is Always Just. Love is Always Patient. Love Always protects, Hopes,  BELIEVES ALL THINGS, BEARS ALL THINGS, HOPES ALL THINGS, ENDURES ALL THINGS… MOST OF ALL LOVE NEVER-EVER FAILS!

So if we have this LOVING Father who ENDURES all things for us, how can we BE a failure if WE are HIS creation?  The truth is the fucker, satan wants us to believe the LIES that we are not really His (God’s through Jesus) – if we do all this bad.. how can we be God’s…?

Lies!

I choose to try to rise above this horrible sinking feeling inside of my body. I feel such agonizing pain of shame and unworthiness.

lovies is so sad she let us down and couldn’t stop…the memories from winning — 

I wish my dearest Lovies I could have helped you, you truly do not have to endure this alone anymore!  I love you my dearest lovies. 

That is all we have to say today.  It is a difficult day. Yet it is just a day, and just as the birds of the field are fed, the lilies of the valley come up to show us their beauty, the day will pass and tomorrow will come up with the sun. and we will start all over again.  Oh if the pain was not so incapacitating, perhaps it would be … no, who am I to tell my MAKER, creator of MY life what MY life needs to look like?

Perhaps the truth is, Fairness is like Normal…Just as normal is relative, in relation to God and Fairness what is fair? except what God says is fair, we do not, and cannot HANDLE the big picture, so we go along each day clinging to the truth that Salvation sets us free from Eternal separation from LOVE.

Maybe, just maybe, for a moment I can rest in this TRUTH and REMAIN grounded on the ROCK of Truth, and Thrive. Be it just a moment, on the day that I found myself banging my head on a wall, that I heard my son say MOMMY stop acting that way, stop talking like that, yet I didn’t know what was …I didn’t know how to change because I am who I was at that time because I cannot just CHANGE because I am asked too.  Fuck

Okay we are going to stop writing and end with this.

To God be the Glory Great things HE has done!

The still small voice of the Holy Spirit of God is telling me to rest, be still Listen. I choose to do this now.  Well first, I want to say thank you so MUCH WB for being so willing to be so ON when we need you.  Thank you for responding to the person you just talked to, making sense, speaking clearly, expressing correctly.  Thank you! And thank you Jesus for allowing me to BE who I am. Even though it is a fucking struggle – It is okay for times like what just happened. Makes it a little more manageable, because it truly wasn’t anything I did, it is Christ Jesus it is you in me, and the Holy Spirit in me, that allows Liz and BB to fucking function as efficiently as we do when we stop trying, and Let YOU do the work Jesus. Thank you!

 

Hard subjects

Tonight my littles especially lovies had a very hard time at Bible Study.  We studied Hebrews 13:4 and we just were not able to help keep lovies from havong to stop from being triggered.   It is physically painful and emotinally overwheming.

The sweat pouring from my face, the runmble in my intestines, the intense pains……

It is not like it is a horrible subject it just is confusing for us.  I hate this feeling of being out of control.  I feel like I am a bad person for not doing what was right, by being exposed to sexual stimulation before I wanted.  I felt obligated to give my body to whomever smiled at me my entire life.

I feel shame, like I feel like I asked for the horrible abuses that happened to my body back then when I was so young.

 

Why was this my worth?

 

Why is this subject so fucking hard?

So fucking triggering?

 

I want to run the fuck away yet feel frozen to my seat

Like i deserve this pain inside because I am the cause of them wanting to take all of me at such a young age so this is what i feel is all of my worth.

I hate these body memories.  I hate this fucking feeling of shame.

Now my Hope knows it is not my shame to hold, yet lovies is out tonight and it hurts.  I guess i will just shut the fuck up and not feel…..