I have realized and accepted I did have a shitty childhood. It fucking sucked. But it is in the past. I have to choose…continue to let the wounds and anger fester inside …that was “good enough ” for my survival. …yet was it good enough to really live?
Am I “alive” yes!
Did I “survive” yes!
Am I really living a life I want? Well, since I do not truly know how to accept, I am allowed to want for myself…then that answer is, no.
How can I accept I deserve things for me, just for my happiness….when I never learned how to trust.
Trust, when I learn to trust, I believe, I will have hope.
I also know I have parts. Several parts and what are they all for…
Firstly, to learn about trust!
To learn how to trust all of myselves so we can have hope.
I recently realized one part of me that has reason is only a scribe
..yet we realized on the way home from work…I have a saying that I believe “fuck the rules ” and these rules of who scribe is were created for my protection … now scribe has agreed to fuck those rules, so scribe will verbalize, and reason will flourish.
I will be able to say what I think while reason is functional, at the same time.
Which is a huge deal for me.
I need to let go of fears, and speak the same way I write. I am allowed to do this.
Venus, my angry teenager, is allowed to express anger, and is safe to do so. It is allowed. It is necessary and it is safe. Let the anger out. Holding it in really will be counterproductive to therapy, I know this, and I know, you, do not want to do it. I know you are safe and allowed to express it. You will not get in trouble if you express it so let it go …we have a place to do it, so let’s do it!
Ultra, my little protector, the ultra hidden protector, of my hidden self. The protector of the abuse of the body. You did all you could to keep us safe …we are no longer in danger. We are safe. Let’s talk about what happened verbally. It will help us. I know you want to rest and feel safe. You are safe let’s, let go and speak.
Eze. My littlest and first part. I think. You were so young, you do not trust. You are afraid of all people. And just fear adults, and want to stay safe. Adults, always yell and hurt us, is what I hear you saying. I promise this will no longer happen!
That is all I want to write today. I feel okay. I want to express my feelings and I want to get better. I want to heal and I believe I can.
I know I get hurt and get fucking confused but it is okay.
It is my journey, and if I give it to God to help me learn, about me…I will perfectly learn, in the perfect timing, the journey I am to travel.
It is mine, and God is with me.
I have no reason to not, let feelings exist! ALL OF THEM!!!
I want to fucking be, the fucking amazing woman, God created me, to be!
And there is absolutely nothing man can ever do to destroy me!
I need to stay on the path God has for me.
Yes, Even if I fall off…God is still there, Waiting, for me to call out to Him for help.
God created me with purpose, and nothing man throws at me, or does to me, Will ever destroy, God’s purpose for me!
I am learning to lean on God!, and learning how to trust the adults, (including myself), God has placed in my life, for me to heal, and become who I’m supposed to be! .
That is beautiful, and only ME!!!.