Today guilt finally… Let me restart that sentence.
Today I finally allowed myself to listen to God, His still small voice saying, “my child, it is time to accept that you have a choice, yes, it may be one of your alters.. however, you still have a choice. Venus may want to play games and have .. ALLTHINGSPOSSIBLE, however, you are in control of your own self, you do have choices, and choices have consequences. Spending money – simple to spend money is not responsible. Spending money to spend money is selfish. Spending money without thinking of the consequences is not what you want to do anymore.”
WE made a commitment to stop doing this, and praise God, graciously through His mercy, and loving-kindness, showed us we have a choice, and we can stop… before it gets out of control.
The quote I posted above is exactly how I feel today. I realize, I could have stepped into shame instead of letting guilt – teach me a lesson. Sometimes guilt is needed to get us the fuck out of our own heads, and let us see the big picture of reality – and see through a lens of the other people we are hurting (by our selfish choices). I could have hurt my husband by continuing to choose to spend money frivolously without thought or worry as to the consequences. However, this was discussed and I did make a commitment to do otherwise (even though I can hear Venus telling me (shut the fuck up!), it is okay, Venus, I hear you. I also know this really is best for all of us). Venus before I go on, let me state why I posted the picture, Venus we are not BAD. We did something bad yes, but we ARE not bad. WE fucked up, yeah. We recognized it, even though we denied it when we were first asked about it, today, we did finally stop letting the shame prevent us from not admitting our mistake. FUCKING shame is a tricky bitch. yeah it is Venus, yes it is. Shame is a bitch.
Venus you are forgiven. We prayed to God remember? WE are forgiven. We asked John for forgiveness and we have steps in place to try to prevent this even more, and we are going to give the money we have to cover the money we spent. It is only fair and responsible. Yeah I know responsibilities – fuck ’em, right? Well in this case, we can be responsible. It will feel a lot better than shame, that I can promise you. You do feel it, I know you do Venus. IT is okay to feel good feelings, I promise.
Venus I know you are hurting deeply, and you want to push all good things away, people, things, everyone and everything because the shame has trapped you in this pit of despair. I see you there and Today it is okay to rest. Read the quote above I just posted, “Courage doesn’t always roar! Sometimes courage is the quiet voice … saying; “I will try again tomorrow” “. We can try again now, we do not have to wait until tomorrow or the end of the day. I just want you to know, Venus I see you. I know you want friends, companions and to have fun. I know hurt is all you feel right now. That doesn’t change the fact Venus, we are loved. WE are forgiven, and no amount of shame or pain, or hurt or anger can EVER change that. Jesus forgave us when we asked for it. We are forgiven. WE are allowed to hurt. We are allowed to live in the pain. The pain and anger will not kill us, if we choose to hold it in, it could! Letting it out is courageous. Can we do that a little tonight? It is safe, I promise.
Will we choose the right or wrong way?
Let’s try something new and out of the box from what we have “always done to keep us safe!” Let’s go a different path and trust adults and open up and let some of the anger, pain, shame, and hurt out.. let’s verbalize it in our safe place. It is allowed and it is brave and it is safe. Venus I love you, I love us. I hope you know you are allowed to do this. You will not get in trouble. WE are an adult, even though I know you do not believe that, the truth still remains, we. are. an. adult. I only say that to gently remind you that we will not be hurt by sharing the truth and living in the pain in the safe place we are going to tonight. We can heal from the shame and pain and anger we hold inside. It is allowed to come out. Do not be afraid. Please trust the process, and allow Scribe (me) to verbalize the words, that even I cannot hear you holding in right now. Who else needs to be present to allow this to happen? Logic Liz, little Lizzy? hmm okay. so we need… no fear, reason, logic, and hurt, all together, to verbalize, then, heal from the hurt. We have to experience it to heal from it. Keeping it in — is hurting us, you do know this right Venus? I pray you can trust and let go tonight just a tiny step, to let some of the healing light into the chasm of shame, pain, and darkness. Holding it in any longer, will only hurt us more.
We are never alone. God is always with us. HE is with us when we are walking through the shadow of darkness. He has us and holds us and loves us all the more. We are His and HE is ours. Claim that and rest in that truth and believe it for you, Venus. We can say all of this out loud and it is okay. It is safe and it is allowed. WE have a place to do it, so we can heal. WE do not need to say these exact words I just typed; however, we can say anything we need too. We can say what we think (believe) is too dark and dirty to speak. It is allowed Venus. Please let go and trust us enough to do that. We will be surround by people who want to help us tonight. I know you are brave enough to do it. I know you can do it. I know it seems stupid, but it is the bravest and smartest step we can take. Trust – will bring hope. WE want hope. I know you act like you don’t but I know you do want hope Venus. So hope.
Venus I could go on, I know tonight is our marriage counseling session, I also know we are forgiven by John for the mistakes we made, and the confession we made to him, and to God. I also know there is deep, deep, shame, and pain, inside that wants to come out. Whatever it is — you are allowed to share it tonight. Verbally would be best, I (scribe and logic) believe this, I know you want this.. so take the step of Faith, and leap into Christ’s arms, and share it – in the place that is safe, and will help us so much! The light is beautiful. The darkness will not help. The lies are broken.. let’s fuck fear and punch it in the face by stepping out in FAITH, and speaking … out loud what seems illogical and impossible to say. As illogical and impossible as it seems – God is bigger, and there is always hope!