let go of pseudo-control

Learing to fuck the rules of “self-perfection”

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Yesterday during my counseling session I had gently and lovingly communicated with myself that we were going to let go – and speak.  Scribe, we did do that didn’t we?  That was just – fucking – awesome!  ftr – we fucked the rules of our own past. Which is huge.  Which is beautiful.

Beautiful.  I am beautiful in my brokenness.  It is okay to not have it all together all the time. IT is okay to be confused.  I am allowed to be me.  Fucked up in the mind – not per se fucked up – but confused – fucking confused about the past and present – (how it is all a jumble of existence) and sometimes – I get lost and forget my age – forget I’m an adult and not a child.  Forget that I do not have to fear punishment if I speak about the things I never was allowed to speak about before.  And that is okay.  Venus – we do agree with this don’t we?

I suppose I honestly can say yes, I agree and I accept and love myself just the way I am.  Anger has a reason for existing but it is not at myself.  I am not dirty.  I did not do anything wrong in the past to deserve what occurred to me.  It is not my fault – saying that seems like a lie.  It is okay. I will get there, right now I want to just – I honestly want to let it out and let it go, but if I do – what the fuck will I become? Who will I be? What will I do? Where will I go? How will I function… yet… fuck those rules – just let it be.  Let it truly just be. Worry – has no place in my life.  Worry adds nothing to me – it robs me of peace.  I have enough things inside of me destroying my sense of self, I do not need to add to it with worry.  Hey Scribe, there’s a choice I can actively be responsible for – to not worry about the unknown. To not worry about how others will react to what I say when I let anger out.  Well not yet, when I am in my counseling sessions. I have no sense of safety to be comfortable with letting go of anger anywhere but there — yet at least I do sense that safety.  

Yesterday created a peace – this new level of peace I didn’t know existed. Not just words, or cognition.  But experience.  God spoke to me exactly how I needed it, when I needed it, in the words, I needed to hear.  That is true beauty and love that leads to amazing – unfathomable, irreplaceable, peace.

Scribe, we spoke up yesterday, and so many of us spoke, what we needed to say.  That was beautiful.

LPL spoke up what words God provided, regarding what LPL stands for – not just Little Protector Liz (which is the protector of LIZ) –

  no fear in love

but also – also – Let Providence Lead.

Then, last night God spoke the words through our counselor, the words to the verse above which explains further why LPL is Let Providence Lead.  We dug in deeper to that – and discovered – little protector Liz is afraid to fail Liz – so she prevents liz from feeling because it would mean we failed liz. However, tied into that is further Venus, not wanting liz to feel the anger either so liz is protected from emotions to keep her safe.  YET, that is a farce.  A lie.  The truth is feelings have a fucking damn good reason for existing, and I can, FUCK those RULES, and live.  Letting them stew inside is not healthy.  It is killing my will to want to live.  I am beautiful and I am allowed to feel.

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I know Venus we want allthingspossible, NOW!  – yet look at that quote above – broken into beautiful is HARD and TAKES time!  It is okay.  We are on the right path – and you know what, GOD has us! HE ain’t fucking letting go, we can let go of the pain and shame and anger, and express it, yet, GOD never let’s go of us!!  We are safe to express that shit so deep within.  It is okay.  I am not even sure what it is that is so scary. Maybe it is not even huge, yet it feels huge because it is breaking all the fucking rules of our fragile existence. Venus baby, you are beautiful, I want us to all hear what you hold in.  We are safe and ready to listen.  Brave Venus – rest now and listen to God – let HIS calm restoration provide you with the inner rest and peace you crave.  I love you Venus thank you for choosing to accept we are okay being broken and confused!  That is amazing and fucking awesome!

Now one final, yet huge revelation, last night lovies you admitted that you felt obligated to cleanse yourself of the “shit coming out of you after sex“. In our conversation with our counselor she said – when did this start – what age – at this moment we were fucking confused because – well she did know the answer but we were afraid and not just afraid we couldn’t fucking see the truth. WE kept trying to make it earlier than what it was and Venus was started to get PISSED off again – yet, God in His love and mercy and Grace allowed our counselor to see us in our “spiral of pissed-off-ed-ness” and she spoke to us in the way ONLY God could get through to us.  We heard the loving words, spoken to us in kindness, affection, and hope, helping us to understand the importance of why, knowing when something happened, DOES fucking matter.  It matters because it can help us discover why we do or believe something – finding the root “cause” helps us see why we do or believe what we do, and when we know why, we can work on HOW to fix it.

In other words, NOT a band-aid fix, rather, reconstructing the mind of a child who’s always believed she’s abominable.

restoration

Lovies we are allowed to know that sex with our husband is beautiful. The liquid that remains in us after love-making is NOT dirty. I know this is hard to accept.  I feel that – and I think it is why we have a headache today. We are mad because we do not understand that concept. I promise it is true. That semen is natural, and even beautiful – it is how God created man, when the orgasm of a man occurs he has an emission of semen, and it is okay.  The semen left over in us now *(now being figurative – as in after actual sexual intercourse with our husband)* is not dirty.

Lovies yesterday what we discovered with the help of our counselor – what can I say so it is easier to write about her and my processing – (OH I know “K”).  

Alright where was I, okay yesterday, K helped us see how beautiful and natural the emission is. She also helped us see that the reason we feel (we – Lovies, why you feel) obligated to clean our-self, by causing our-self to orgasm in the shower until we are clean – even using the shower head to clean inside of us – that is most likely because of the sin committed against us as a child.  lovies, we and lpl and venus were able to speak the word abuse last night with the help of scribe, and gentle encouragement, from K.  That helped us out so much didn’t it?  Yeah I know it did.  So lovies – know that we are not dirty and actually as K said we never – EVER were dirty.  That lie (of believing we are dirty) is not true.  We were abused, used, and hurt, lied too, yelled at, and treated like a throw away person.  We are not a throw away person, nor are we an “on-off switch of pleasure,” lovies, I know that I know that I KNOW you believe the lie, and that is hard to overcome.  It is okay.  Just know we have no obligation to “clean” what is not dirty.

lovies if we are not dirty, we have nothing to clean.  

We are not dirty after sex.  Sex is beautiful with J. It is natural, it is an expression of our love for Him and our worship of GOD together, in the beauty of what He gave each of us – each other.  lovies – you do not have to be present when love-making occurs. I know you are and just know – we are an adult.  WE are doing something beautiful and we love this man and it is blessed to do this and experience it.  IT is not dirty and it is not a sin. It is a beautiful act of worship with the man we have been given to experience worship of God with together.  See it is just beautiful. Not dirty.  Out of your brokenness lovies – IS something so beautiful…. and now I see what K was trying to say a couple weeks ago – yeah that is beautiful.  lovies is a beautiful name and perfect.  Thank you Jesus for that gift of naming lovies the name she is.  And for K’s discernment of Your Truth!

I choose to accept I am allowed to be confused about if it is the past or present. I am allowed to love myself this way.  And Venus and all of us agree that we love our-self – just the perfectly beautiful way I am (or we are)!

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