more of me

angries out

I am uniquely me, that statement is more true today than it was yesterday.  I am learning to be comfortable with who I am in Christ.  Which is my identity, I am me, yet apart from Christ I am lost.   In Christ I have all I need. Even in my lost confused state, I have all I need because I have Christ and in HIM I am safe and secure.

I did some soul searching today, on a deeper level to make connections of who I am and why each part of me exists.  I know why they were created to keep me safe, to survive the unthinkable.

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I also know what man and evil intends to use for destruction when we give ourselves to God, then it will be used for HIS glory, and HIS good.  That truly is my hearts desire.  This is my heart’s desire to worship HIM, with all I am for HIS glory.  He is my everything, He is my all in all, He is the reason I live and breathe and have life.  IT is only through HIM I am alive.  I am choosing to be okay with being confused, and that is honestly okay.  It is okay and I fully mean that – every part of me Venus and LPL included, agree with being okay with brokenness – because out of brokenness becomes beauty and wow – Loving-ourselves-through

I know GOD has some amazing and beautiful things in store for me. HE gently and kindly and awesomely showed me how much HE is using this time in my life to make me into the woman He created me to be.  It is a ride that seems unfair; yet, truly what is unfair… IT is unfair Jesus died for my sins, yet HE still willingly and lovingly did so – and when I confess my sins I am saved by GRACE through my faith and confession of my belief in HIM.  And HIS blood HE shed sets me free from DEATH.  I am saved by HIS Grace through my FAITH in HIM.   I am ready to rest now, truly rest and wait. I have gently spoken all of this to myself many many times over the past few months especially, now however, I am speaking it to myself and believing it, experiencing it, resting in it.  Breathing it in and out.  Encompassed and living in the Spirit of our living God.  Amazing Grace doesn’t describe it.  His love knows no bounds and never ends.

I am blessed beyond measure.  His grace showed me I will be restored one day.  His grace and the Holy Spirit showed me I am going to do great and mighty things. His grace also showed me it will be okay to live in each part separately as I am learning more about myself. He is allowing me to gain skills to be utilized and fully realized at an appointed time and for now to just enjoy the journey.  It will not be easy but wow it will BE so fucking worth it!

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I am choosing to NO longer worry, rather I am resting in God’s grace through Prayer. Prayer has led to PEACE in all of ME. Praise God’s holy name. I am okay with being confused. I am okay with feeling like I am in the past. I am okay with realizing I am in the present. Most of all I am learning to be okay with letting the pain and impossible anger exist, and recognizing, I am not bad.

Bad things happened to me, but I am NOT bad.

I fucked up, but I am  NOT a fuck up.

Rewording to rewire.  Beauty out of broken.

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That is where I will reside for the moment. And it is perfectly okay just remaining here.  For I am renewed in Christ. His love for me NEVER ends. I could truly sing of HIS love and mercy and GRACE forever.  This journey He allowed me to see an outcome of who I will become one day. That day ain’t today, and it is okay to just be confused. I do not have to have the answers, that is God’s job, mine is to listen, obey, abide, and to rest in His mercy and grace. Relenting the “control” I think I have.  Control was never mine to begin with, the only control I have is to choose which path I will take. I choose the hard one. THAT is creating me into the imperfect mess God wants me to be. I will be and am even now beautiful because God’s grace covers all my stains, His mercy refreshes my tiredness, and His love sustains me in the most difficult situations.  For in HIM I have all I need. Praise His Holy Name.

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