Tonight lovies is okay with love making with our husband. Yet, teenage l, is anxious about tomorrow so…. second round of fun, was just as fucking awesome and beautiful, and also numbed any other negative feelings. ..which honestly I choose to believe that God allowed it because I need it.
Tomorrow will be releasing some inner shit I didn’t realize until today and I want to fully be present tomorrow night so until I walk in my counselor office and reread what I’m going to talk about. I’m clinging to God and the Holy Spirit to occupy my mind with good things that restore this deep rooted shame.
I’m being gentle on myself because I know I’m staying on the path God has for me. By staying grounded in God’s word by the counsel of the Most High…my source of peace! Psalm 119:105, “Thy word is a lamp to my feet, and a light to my path.” Which means as I stay lit up by God’s word though I may stumble I will never stray so far away I won’t be in God’s light. Jesus grace saved me and His Spirit leads me. And God’s love is my source of life. I truly have all I need.
So despite my human inadequacies, I cling to God’s grace and promises.
“Come and hear, and I will tell, all You that fear God, how great things He has done for my soul. I cried to Him with my mouth, and exalted Him with my tongue. If I have regarded iniquity in my heart, let not the Lord hearken to me. Therefore God has hearkened to me; He has attended to the voice of my prayer. Blessed be God, who has not turned away my prayer, nor His mercy from me.” (Psalms 66:16-20). When I humble myself and confess my sin, mercy filled grace and forgiveness are mine.
Now the hard part. Forgiveness of self. Existing in the painful memories to let the anger and shame out, to allow healing tears to flow…to continue my path to wholeness, redemption, and peace.