Living in this world, remembering the past. Thinking it is still the past, realizing it is not the past. Realizing I no longer have to live to make others happy. Slowly seeing the truth that my past stifled my ability to NOT think I have to anticipate everyone’s needs above mine. To see I don’t have to exist to just make the parents, adults look good. To realize this existence caused me to desperately want to be loved, accepted, wanted, desired, touched in good ways. That there are things parts of my past, I’m remembering, and must face. Must voice it, to rid it from the chains so tightly around my heart. The little hidden, ultra, and lovies identities inside of me, that still struggle with understanding there is a difference between sex and love. One equals the other, was all we knew. Is all I still hear whispering in my head.
Then, the little hidden EZE who feels this desperate fear of adults because of all the images she sees… yelling …. punishments … and being alone for so long. Needing loved, but only met with anger and hate from how much she failed to meet their unwritten, unspoken expectations of needing to always anticipate their needs.
I know that is the past. I know that is not true. Still to fully accept and believe and live it, is taking time, and I’m trying to fully accept that on all levels of me.
Venus, and the the fun-loving, brave part of me, have been working together a lot this week, and it is different. My little l. the fun part of me has been getting angry. Yet, Venus has been realizing (because she also has heard and learned a lot during therapy that anger is healthy but the type of anger little l, is having is not the real “the real anger”, so Venus sees) she needs to voice the anger in healthy ways so Little l. doesn’t continue to become more and more ruthlessly angry. It hurts her when she gets that way, when Venus sees it, she wants it to stop because little l is so little, she shouldn’t have to suffer like that.
And it’s more confusing to know that my identity became split from abuse. However, recently I’ve been blessed with the ability to function more and more with different identities together. It is exhausting, yet good.
It brings me closer to wholness. To fully being, beautifully brave.
Which I know God sees me that way. I know my counselor sees me that way. I know parts of me believe that. Trust slowly is creating hope, which is why I can see it. Still full trust is not yet formed. My Littles need to speak of things that they did when I was 11, that I don’t want to speak about yet, fully know when I don’t, we suffer more.
It physically pains me inside my body, when I let the shakles, and chains, bind me even tighter. I do have freedom in Christ. He already knows what I did. He already has forgiven me. I’m free from the sin. It’s the self forgiveness, which I’m facing in my safe place, at my next therapy session.
It is hard to face this, yet, it is okay to let it rest in the box, until I’m at my safe place, with my safe person to process this hell.
It is the past.
I’m allowed to let it go.
I’m allowed to feel all feelings.
I’m an adult.
I’m saved by Grace through Faith.
I’m weak, and hurting but in my pain, God gives me all I need. Love. Comfort. Forgiveness. When I relent it’s always mine. Always there. Everything I need.
I’m chossing to rest the remainder of my time, until I see my counselor, in the safe place we meet. I’m afraid, yet ready. I know EZE is still needing to see more action to be able to fully trust.
And guess what EZE? …. it’s perfectly okay!
Jesus brought us here for a reason, cling to Him!
Pain. Shame. Hurt.
All are not mine to hold right now.
Jesus turn them into:
Peace. Freedom. Joy.
Like I know you can and are.
Praise your Holy name Jesus.
Thank you for Love, God.
Thank you for comfort, Holy Spirit.
And thank you for this process, this journey I’m on, with the person it is you led me too.
The person I was supposed to met.
The person who truly is perfectly, and exactly, who it is you know I’d need in a human.
Not because of her power, because of her willingness to love You, God. To serve you God, and to be the woman you, Father God, created her to be! Thank you Jesus for leading me to this woman.
I’ve said it before, and I know I’ll say it again, because it is truly for your Glory God.
amen and amen.
I love you. I praise you God. I know life is painful, yet out of the ashes of our life…arises beauty. Because in you Christ, we are Beautifully Brave ❤!
Thank you for leading me where you have God. Help me to remember to be comfortable with confusion, and love all of myself, no matter what!!
Okay I’m done writing for now. This truly is a journal of my processes, for me, about me.
Yet, my whole identity is, beautifully brave. Thank you for that Jesus.