Processing and then some

Today, I went into my therapy session as relaxed as I could be.  (It may have to do with the fact I meditated a lot today).  As I focused on relaxing my body and listening to God. That’s my mediation.  Let Providence Lead me, is what I hope for each time I use mediation to calm me.  I pray during it, listen to God and the Holy Spirit and relax. 

I accomplished this a lot today, it is a good thing I did.  Tonight was deeply emotional for me. I faced some things I didn’t fully understand why they just exist in me.  Talking about it outloud is hard.  I don’t know, it was like I was not even fully present on any functional level, during this time. It was like I was floating, yet there ..hard to describe.  Staring off into a picture, seeing nothing, but confusion …not feeling, fully anywhere, but confused, is the state I was in.  I see myself sitting there looking back.  I see myself staring yet, I cannot feel what I felt at that moment.  It is mindfucking ….but it is a real part of my journey to my healing…wholeness.  becoming completely beautifully brave. 

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I cried real tears over it.  Why. I think it is because it hurts so fucking much because at times it is like I gotta do it to stop from getting …hurt ..in trouble is what comes to mind also, but that makes no logical sense, yet still, that fear exists inside of me. So there is truly this little abused girl in me who is petrified to show herself yet, feels obligated to “punish” herself to “stay safe”. That battle is there.  I know it is a process, I know I am on the right path. 

God, why the fuck does it hurt so fucking bad?

Lovies, hidden, ultra,  you are not bad.  You are hurting so deeply.  Let’s try to learn something new.  We heard that but never understood it, like we did, until we let go of some of that pain, by crying tonight?  It is mindfucking I know.  I wish the abuse never occured.  But it did.  I wish I could make it all better, but then I’d rob you of how beautifully brave you really are.  Together our wholness is who God created us to be.  Let’s learn how awesome we each are, what we all are here for, and grow into whom we are according to God.  I mean we are His creation.  We are His beautiful daughter, created in His image.  We are safe in His arms. He led us to the place we are at so we can process and heal and continue our journey on this earth.  It is okay That we hurt inside.  It is okay we don’t understand. .because God has this.  God has always had us.  We are safe in His arms.

I also fully relented and let go, wait, my teenage selves fully let go and admitted that we still held onto the hope I’d be friends with my therapist. that she’d fill to this void of lack of friends I have deep within.  However, she addressed me lovingly taking the time to speak to each of the hurting parts to say why it is better this way.  It is more healthy and exactly what it is supposed to be.  Does it hurt still?  Yes. It does.  I cried.  I still feel the loss deep within. It is a true loss of hope for something that I wanted but never heard or accepted until today how much   my reason for crossing paths with this woman is for my healing journey. And for my teenage parts to accept that is not friendship is almost impossible for them.  But with God all things occur for a reason.  I need to deal with hurt, to let tears continue to flow.  I still ..Venus, rebel, and my little fun loving self, have more to discuss in this area, because we are afraid to reach out and make new friends and it feels like this is a reason why.  ?  Oh it hurts so fucking deeply within. 

I then was lovingly reminded I have all the power and knowledge to face the people I do not want too, to enjoy my family singing at a place I do not want to go.  She gave me tips on what to say, which is only my own true story.  I’m on a journey, processing this emotional pain, in the way God is leading me.  I’m not sure where He’ll lead me, but for now i know I’m in the right place at the church, God led me to be, to help me heal.  And to just say more of the same truth statements without details to stay safe. If I cry just say it’s because I’m moved by the performace…etc. I am allowed to open up or stay closed off emotionally, I am allowed to stay safe.  That, I never grapsed, not fully, and I’m sure I’ll need reminded … but it never occured to me that truth like that, really does!!! set me, the fuck free!!!  It is weird like that.

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I had a hard, yet very good session today.  I cried for real for the first time at  my session. That was freeing it was beautiful, and yeah it is no where close to the end of a tunnel however it is one step closer to the embracing of my wholeness. .. living as beautifully brave, the whole self that I am.  My identity in Christ. 

For now, I can just rest, and relent, my worries to Him. He is the Great I am.  He sees my future and calls Me His own.  I am choosing to rest on God’s promises of Hope in Jesus through the Holy Spirit. 

God I truly need you right now, hold me. 
Jesus I hurt deeply right now protect me. 
Holy Spirit I hurt right now, comfort me.

I am confused how I get so confused yet, I’m also equally choosing to believe my therapist knows what she is doing, and see how, when she said “just accept that I will be confused and allow myself to be confused, without getting angry at myself “.  It does actually help and work, because it ain’t me doing it…it is God.  

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