Today I decided to use my voice app on my phone to record us praying, wow. I listened to it once and just started to again and it is only hard to listen to because it forces me to accept my truth of having survived shittiness through the gift of dissociating. It is weird only because it is hearing what I hear in my head with the voices spoken instead of just in my head, so I can HEAR and LISTEN to them, not only hear but hear! As in hear the inflection, tone, and “between intent” of the words. That and it is recorded so I cannot deny, even though it is hard to accept and I want, I truly want to learn all I can to become who it is GOD created me to be, my Identity in Christ – Beautifully Brave… still accepting that it is me speaking about totally different things – in totally different voices that just come out, I don’t make them up they just EXIST. To explain it to someone who cannot accept things they cannot tangibly prove,is impossible! Thus I am a walking conundrum, truly I am. I am fucking with my own “beliefs” about what is true, and what defines truth! It is hard, yet, fucking validating when I look at it from my non-stuck-in-the-mud mindset.
I am not afraid of change anymore, which, go back 8 months – fuck…. change froze me, now change is all I know. It is my life! Every moment is something new, because instead of living in the – dammit I should have done this differently mindset, I am living IN the MOMENT. Or I am striving to do this.
Currently, I feel anxiety in my chest, but it is a GOOD anxiety, which I didn’t grasp the possibility of this until very recently, because this anxiety is mixed with joy, and excitement at the potential of this new medium. I am going to utilize to capture my “journaling”. I will truly get to meet each of my identities, each time I listen to my journal I recorded. And let me tell you this seems so fucking crazy or like who the fuck is the BB? I mean literally if anyone knows me – talking – yeah that is not my forte- writing, yes, talking – um not-so-much. HOWEVER, I want to do this. I am excited to do this, and I am in love with the idea that the Holy Spirit prompted me to do as I drove to work this morning.
I realized last night, I haven’t been talking to my little’s, or teens that much lately, and they have been hurting – well not only because of my lack of communication, also because of the processing of painful things; yet, this is a new way for me to meet ALL of me – to become – truly become my God, created Identity in Christ – through the Holy Spirit – Beautifully Brave – (BB).
This excites me like nothing else. Yes, i have self-doubts – honestly I am afraid to do this because for me, in order to truly grow into who it is I want – scratch that, what I mean is, God has told me through the Holy Spirit (plus I can just sense the truth right now) – in order to really really get the most out of counseling – I have to share them with MC. Which I have done. Every time I make an entry it will go to a designated location that MC will have access to because it is part of my processing and part of my journey. It is also exciting for me because dude I get to listen when I feel confused or doubt – I believe God is guiding me to create this in order to have a “tangible” way to prove to myself – WE exist and are becoming BB!
That is all I want to write today. This is my processing of my new development. I am super excited. And happy for this new development on my journey.
Jesus thank you! YOU are so Worthy! Thank you for creating me to be who I am and making me Clean by dying for my sins. Oh Jesus! Thank you!