Recently I remembered one of my favorite groups – Barlow Girl – so I have been listening to their music on YouTube and I found this song today – Grey by Barlowgirl
I think the song is powerful!
I especially appreciate some of the following lyrics:
I cannot be blind no more
Numb to what I’m living for
Help me stop this compromise that justifies these lies
I need Your passion in this life
….gray’s my favorite color
I have been numb for way to fucking long. I didn’t realize how numb I was until I realized I deserved more than existing. A little over eight months ago when I reached out for help, it was in hopes of healing this hurt that I thought was only from Co-dependency issues- wow, what a flood-gate of emotions that I didn’t knew existed finally have been able to find the light – so to speak – and even in this pain – I do not want to go back because – I will take this HOPE. This HOPE is FROM CHRIST ALONE!!!
I took a path that led me to a counselor – MC – whom I am sure I will see for quite a while longer – it is needed, for me to heal – for me to truly become who it is God created me to be, before I was even born. He knitted me, He has given me purpose, and I am HIS daughter. I am worthy – because – I exist. I will have to repeat this many a time I am sure but I can say that and say it – wait, I can hear the words resounding in all of me – in BB. So I know – yeah today is a good day!
Recently, I had been justifying my lies of why I was okay with letting masturbation have power over me – no more. I realized this when I stepped into my fear and confessed to spouse during our marriage counseling session with MC and at that moment another change occurred. I stopped evil from having power over me – through my hiding and fear – I stepped into the fear – overpowered the fear – by the POWER of JESUS – hmm I want to scream and shout at the truth I just spoke right there. fuck YEAH! God is all powerful and when we do what God tells us to do, the Holy Spirit truly does give us all power we need.
Then, at my individual session with MC, powerful is an understatement! The Holy Spirit was welcomed there, Jesus Power showed up, and this hurt that was becoming my identity – I allowed through imagery – through prayer, through meditation in GOD – and just being still, and letting God speak to me, through MC, and then, letting God speak directly to me – through the Holy Spirit – (it was always the Holy Spirit, just one was through another human being) – I dug below my anger, and hurt, and handed it to MC, to hold, to give to God, to keep for me, until the proper time of when I will process this pain.
And in this experience there was this hiding blackness that I couldn’t get to – so more prayer – spiritual warfare – done for me – how humbling is that! VERY FUCKING MUCH! –
I allowed God’s Holy Spirit to guide me, as I relented, and we dug out this blackness of fear, hate, confinement, entrapment, worthlessness, LIES, and this blackness, this – darkness that I couldn’t grab myself – as I relented – it fled in Jesus name – And then the best part of it all – MC invited me to allow God to speak to me, in me, to fill up this void we created. So I can have the good stuff God has for me, to dwell within me. Yes, I will deal with this shit that was dug out of me – however, now is not the time, and this feeling of hope, of joy, of peace is ONLY because GOD is GOD!!!
So grey is my favorite color – it used to be. Now I am fucking the rules of my favorite color, and standing for black or white – to not be tossed in the waves of the sea! Because God has something bigger and better and greater just for me – as He does for all of us!
So this is what I am doing this week – and once again – MC – thank you for sharing (err pray -singing) this song for me! in the beautiful way you did, on the day our Holy God revealed to you how HE sees me – Beautifully Brave – thank you! Now that I think about it I am not sure if that is the day but for part of me it is.
My point is not MC is my all in all, my MC is a woman, God placed on my path of life – and the time for me to find her for me to heal is this time I am existing in right now, and I PRAISE GOD for this woman – because this woman – has brought me CLOSER to you Father, my savior – thank you and I pray this woman is just blessed not because I say so or ask for it, because Father, YOU are LOVE, and YOUR love has so many blessings that are flooding her today! In Jesus name – Holy Spirit continually fall afresh on her – my beautiful MC!