I am struggling late.. Or early Sunday morning, December 27, 2015.
This weekend I’ve been dreading for a long time. It is hard when you’re feeling so torn, what is right for all my insiders, littles included, and my own children.
Ugh my stomach to say it hurts, is an understatement! I can try to reason it off as my antibiotic; however, I know it is from anxiety and fear of being in the same house as my parents. I feel like I am failing hard.
How can I stay at this residential location, in the same building, as my childhood abusers?!!
This is hurting me more than I imagined. I feel so trapped in lie of wearing a happy face for everyone around me. Including my own kids, and husband. I feel like I am disappointing him if I reveal all this fear I have, yet this is a lie!
Still I am not going to wake up my husband that would be unfair.
And yet, I do not want to be here!
Yet, I do know I’m not really in danger, I am an adult, even though I feel so young right now. (I feel like I am in danger.) My lovies oh they hurt inside and out right now, no reason for it in my present life, so it is my past. And I cannot control it. Yet I can say, God please take this, God I Need you Now!
Yet I feel so afraid, alone, surrounded by people who expect me to behave a certain way, so they don’t have to deal with this hidden agony.
I am so weak.
I am so afraid.
I believe i do have Jesus, the Father God, and Holy Spirit indwelling within me. And nothing man does to me can destroy me.
“God is like a place where we can go, where he will protect us. He will always give us help when troubles come. So we will not be afraid when the earth moves (under our feet), or when the mountains fall into the middle of the seas. (We will not be afraid) even when the seas make a loud noise and move a lot. (We will not be afraid) when the mountains move a lot as well. Selah. (There is) a river (and) the waters from it make the city of God very happy. (The city) is the holy place where the Most High lives. God is in the middle of it. It will not fall down. God will give it help early in the morning.”
“Be quiet! Know that I am God. I will (make them) lift me high among the nations. I will (make them) lift me high in (all the) world. The LORD of Everything is with us. The God of Jacob makes us safe. SELAH.” (Psalms 46:10-11)
Jesus please send your angels to protect me. God, my only true, loving Father, fill me with Peace so I can rest. Holy Spirit fill me with all I need so I can sleep.
I love you God!