Pain

This weekend triggered more than I could handle – and that truth is just that.  I could have avoided it yet, avoiding it would have meant too many questions from those I would have been avoiding.  So I faced it, I survived. It was painful and I do not want to go through it again, yet I have yet to even deal with the pain. This pain, tears, letting go, dealing with it truly dealing with it, scares me – all of me all my little’s and middle’s and big’s. I do not know how to do it.

When I take a breath I hear – “my child – you are not handling it at all, and you will never go through it alone.  I am with you always. You listened to me – you are on the path you are to be on. You were led to the person who can help you in this journey, a woman who will be there with you and for you, to help you become who you ARE. YOU are MY creation. I made you and I am restoring you. I know it hurts. It is refining out the shit of what is not needed. It is painful. Yet, it is beautiful, just as you are my beautifully brave creation.  I made you, I have created you with purpose, and my purpose for you is exactly what it is I need you to do.  Listen to love. Listen to those who care for you. Try to not push them away. Try to let them in. Try to love others and if you are hurt, face it together with me and them.  NO matter what I love you!  I have redeemed you through Jesus the CHRIST’s Blood. Nothing separates you from me now.  Not a single part of you is separated from me. Do not listen to the lie – you are redeemed my child.  

I have created you and my spirit resides in you.  This world throws so much shit at you, I know – a lot of it is because I did create you to feel much. All humans have the capacity to feel. All humans have the capacity to love others. Some have shut it off because of one reason or another.  You had it shut off for so long do not forget this.  Feelings are not just good or bad. They are there to help us live. To help you live. To help you understand one another. I have given you empathy and that scares you doesn’t it?  Do not fear it live it out loud. I am with you always.  Love – God”

God who am I that you would speak so kindly to me and through me?  Thank you, and I pray if anyone else needs to see this today (whatever the day may be they read this) they know it is for them also!  Jesus please help me to move forward, right now I do not want to do anything at all. I truly want to just go back to sleep. To not have responsibility, to not matter to anyone, to fall back into that cycle of not living – yet that is the easy way – and I never liked the easy way have I?  Father God let your spirit guide me in each breath I take, to focus on the truth, that this pain is temporary no matter how much it hurts – it is only temporary.  One day there will be no more tears or pain, I am living for that. I also want to live now, to live to truly live, and live the way it is you want me to.  I am an open book, a slate that has a lot of stains on it, that is afraid to be cleansed fully … to fully let go, and let the tears that will let me face that I am letting go – tears, this is what I need to let the pain heal.

Tears. i am afraid of you.  yet, i have let some of you escape.  please the parts of me that are holding on to tears, let them escape.  We have a safe place for this.  let them go. let them go let them escape.  tears mean healing. crying means strength.  Father God help me, Jesus Hold me, and Holy Spirit provide me the path to tears – in the perfect timing only YOU Father God can provide! Whenever and wherever, You see best for me to cry – I will.  All of me agrees with this – as i publicly share this.  Being real for myself, to remind myself – in hopes of helping others, is my goal right now.  Tears when you flow, you are beautiful, and thank you, whomever of me needs to let go, thank you, for letting go!

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