Struggle

Trust

a journal entry

facing fears and shame

Today, I struggle with presence, as in staying in the present.  The past keeps creeping in. Am I truly here in 2015, ready to brave 2016? I suppose I am?  Wait, even though I do not feel like I am, I do have all I need to face 2016. God my only true loving Father, and Jesus the Christ who died for me and through my choosing to believe in Jesus, He washes me white as snow with His precious healing blood.  And when I did this the first time – all parts of me – at that moment is when I had full access to the Holy Spirit.  The timing of when the Holy Spirit came to me is not important – the importance is I know He is always with me, comforting, guiding, and directing ME!

As I write this I keep switching between past and present. It is surreal, and what my day has been like today.  It has not been easy at all today.  I tried to work, and I did for a little bit, thanks to WB; but I felt shame.  Shame from how I procrastinate when I am WB or when I feel WB could be doing work.  It does hurt.  I couldn’t put words to this feeling until today, and only when I saw this post on FB of an image that totally – because of God – rocked all parts of me!  Jesus thank you for your grace and mercy, and Holy Spirit please lead me to write this post, the way that will help not only me, but everyone else  who reads it.

I was still in bed lying to myself (at least parts of myself) that I was meditating, which I suppose at times I was, but I was using it as an excuse to procrastinate working.  I did do some work, but mainly I was having a nightmare. (It is not worthy of discussion because it was purely to bring fear and shame – and it was a lie and was confusing, but still it is not reality! So as of this very moment that nightmare I was having, Jesus take it away, remove the shame, and Holy Spirit, fill me with Peace. Peace that is spoken about in John 14:27, “My peace I give to you, My peace I leave with you, not as the world gives but only as I [Jesus the Christ] can give!”  Yes this peace is mine, thank you Jesus. 

the image

2016

explanation why the image is so meaningful to all of me

When I saw the image I instantly, was not fully present. I was seeing all parts of me from above and was thinking, “I have through the help and encouragement of MC, and belief in all parts of me and my story, been able to express and nail down (so to speak), what the purpose of each part of me is for the good – but this – negative aspects – these scare the fuck out of me” – and I thought to myself – “Why the fuck does this scare me? what about it is so scary and so hurtful to me?”  and I stopped and prayed and listened to what I believe the Holy Spirit has been prompting me ever so gently for a while – “you know the good parts of why you are not wholly BB, who I created you to be, why are you afraid to face these parts of why you are who you are – only when facing even these aspects of yourself can full healing and wholeness ever occur.” 

That hurts.

That feels shameful.

I am flawed even more.

I haven’t got it fucking right yet, wth is WRONG with me.

Those are the words I heard repeating in my  head on a tape. 

Yet, the beauty of even that is – MC and I discussed this subject, of removing the “tape” from my head, and replacing it with a new one. In only the way MC can. In a loving, kind, and hope-filled way, all-the-while, pushing me to the truth of GOD!

The tape of the words I spoke above about myself of negative things, I am actively choosing to remove them, purge them from my mind – from all parts of me and replace them with loving words I have heard MC speak, or my husband, or even what I know God has spoken to me, so this pain I feel so intensely even right now as I write this, will dissipate.  Wow, this pain HURTS!

So before I can face the words from the image, let’s first face the tape – the lies.  First set of tape that needs burned and then replaced.  “Why are you so stupid?”  – words, lies, from my earthly daddy – I am picking you out of my brain in each part of me – right now – and I did stomp on them, and I did burn them. and I did! and am replacing it with “I am flawed, and that is okay, I make mistakes, and THAT is okay, I am learning, and I can be gentle on ME and love that I am allowed to make mistakes!” 

Okay so wow, one of my littles, one that held even deeper hurts – the tapes is what she held onto!!she wants to be known as Liv(e) (pronounced with a short I) and spelled liv – but meaning – LIVE in truth and trust the truth and trust the people God brought into our life to help us find us. 

I still am trying to fill in this hole in my heart that was just created from removing the lies of the tape that are thoughts but lived inside my heart.  inside of Liv.  Liv we are allowed to let go of the lies and live in the truth and trust those who God brought into our life!  Burn those lies. Stomp them out. Let the love of those God brought into our life replace the pain with Joy, Hope, and Truth. Truth that we are loving, we have purpose, and we are allowed to make mistakes!  WE can fuck up, but we are NOT a fuck up. We are a child of God, and His love is filling up that hole. It is replacing it and melding it and renewing it.  Putting gold in there to purify me.  (oh as I write this – journal entry the truth in it is hard to describe, yet I feel so strongly led to make this a public viewable post). I trust God is telling me this. I trust Jesus is helping me write all I write, and the Spirit is filling me with peace and joy and mercy and love in each word that comes out onto this post.  And the more I write the more love that is filling the hole in my heart.  Jesus hold me – hold Liv she needs it right now more than I can provide. 

Okay back to the image.  Firstly why did it affect me the way it did? Because also at my session with MC this week, I asked why does it hurt so much?  No one can answer this question, not humanly at least.  It is beyond human reasoning – plus it also just IS! (as she did lovingly say).

that hurt some part of me – and today, I now realize who it hurt so badly – it is Liv – she is young – she is protected by LPL, but she is so young, (not younger than EZE age wise, but reasoning wise she is!)  She held onto the lies of the tape we took out, the one I thought I took out when I saw MC this week, but no, Liv couldn’t .. she didn’t believe she was worthy enough to let go of it, and still even now digging this out, speaking this truth – empties us.  This empty, painful place I feel in my chest is growing – it hurts. 

yet, There is hope.  there is GOD, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit right here with me, replacing the lies of the tape I am destroying – with TRUTH. That we are smart. We matter. We, Liv, WE are Important. Liv, we, are Worthy, just because we exist!  Liv we are loving, and Liv we are loved and we love.  Liv we are allowed to make mistakes, we are learning and we are on journey, not an event a journey and we do not have to face it alone. Liv absorb that. Liv, we do NOT have to face this alone.

Rest in that and let God’s loving arms wrap you in it. Let the Holy Spirit’s truth envelope it around you, and let Jesus blood cleanse you. We are clean Liv. We are clean.  Liv – remember the image MC spoke about that was for all of me, especially you though. God reached down from heaven and just the one touch of His finger – He is filling you with all you need Liv. His TOUCH is all we ever needed. Rest in that truth. Bask in that love and restoration that is influxing our body right now. Let it in the cracks that were created from the tapes we found and destroyed today. And rest in that! 

Okay now I believe I truly am ready to discuss the image.

I have prayed, meditated and let providence lead along with the Holy Spirit.  the truth of the matter is – all of me feels all of those qualities at one time or another. So it is not, who has to let go, it is can we all agree to let all of those pseudo-realities go? 

– When we doubt our self in 2016 – what can we do instead?

We can choose to STOP and rest in God’s grace, and Let Providence Lead us through the Holy Spirit, that WE are GOOD enough JUST as we are!

It is possible! We do matter this much!!!

– When we believe negative thoughts about our self in 2016 – what can we do instead?

We can choose to believe the truth. Which is the complete opposite of whatever negative thought is trying to steal my joy at any given  moment! 

It is possible! We do matter this much!!!

– When we FEAR FAILURE – what can we do instead?

We can remember mistakes happen. WE can be gentle on our self and realize this is a journey, not an event!

It is possible! We do matter this much!!!

– When we criticize our self or others – what can we do instead?

We can stop it dead in the tracks of the thoughts trying to form. And speak loving truths from the Word OF God instead!  Always there is a Word to combat this type of criticism in it’s tracks!

It is possible! We do matter this much!!!

– When we have negative self talk escape our mind – what can we do instead?

We can shut our mouth and calm our mind, and mindfully choose kind words about our self. Change the context of the word meanings and make them positive! 

It is possible! We do matter this much!!!

– when we PROCRASTINATE – what can we do instead?

We can remember what we have agreed to with MC. To do work first, then, after it is done, do other things that I want too!

It is possible we do matter this much!!!

-When we FEAR SUCCESS!! – what can we do instead?

We can remember we no longer want to live in the past. We can remember we want to succeed. WE can remember – WE SPOKE UP for a very important reason, and God with Jesus, through the HOLY SPIRIT will help us each step on our path.

We are not facing this alone! We do matter this much!!!

– When we start to recognize we are People Pleasing – what can we do instead?

STOP! Ask our self – who are we doing this for? Does this make me happy, or am I doing it to make someone else happy? If the answer is anything other than making myself happy then, we need to do the opposite!

It is possible! We do matter this much!!!

BB – these are our goals for 2016 – our big overall – wholeness goal to replace any and all negative thoughts with the opposite thought of truth!  It will NOT be easy but as we have said, and as we hear from MC we are never alone. She believes us, and she knows who can help us out so much more than any human ever could –  LOGOS!  Logos as in – God the Father who is our true source of  REAL love, Jesus the Christ, our sacrificial Savior who died to take away my stains and has made me CLEAN, and finally the HOLY SPIRIT that makes life possible, my very Breath.  Holy Spirit thank you for the words you spoke through me today. Help me to remember this post whenever trouble arises.  And help me remember I will not be perfect all the time and THAT IS PERFECTLY FINE AND OKAY! 

Trust

 

 

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