I had a rough day today. All day. But it is okay. It is life. I’m okay with not being ok. I hurt a LOT right now on the inside. I wrote about meeting Liv. Parts of me only know her name, and that she was dead for a while. She saw cobwebs and spiders, that is what I, could see about her when she woke up, so to speak.
Today, I felt like I was spiraling out of control but, words MC spoke came to mind. Be OK with being confused. It is OK to be confused. It is OK to hurt, you (I) have a damn good reason to feel hurt. And you (I) blocked it for so long, it will fucking hurt. The song Letting Go, link (here) has been running through head all day today, and it brings peace. Then, “Clean” by Natalie Grant goes through head and peace prevails.
I love the beautiful, melodic way, Steffany sings this song! It brings me to my knee to the throne of God, in thankful Worship and Praise to Him. Thanking Jesus for His Grace, and the Holy Spirit for guidance and comfort. Music is my life!!!
Today LPL found truth of parts of me, she is scared about it, so she is keeping it from me. Which is hard because I see bits and pieces of it. And then I feel the shame and deep pain deep within my chest. I am so afraid of it, writing about it publicly like this hurts too much. But I want to say out loud to Liv and Hidden it is okay. We are okay no matter what it is okay. I love you, and Jesus loves us so much He died for us before we were even born. And The Holy Spirit is Always with us to help us navigate this thing called life. Truly living freely as God wants us to. He is our HELP!
This came to mind today, as I was processing through writing, MC. Truly it is awesome, He is our Eternal Love and Power and All we have and will Ever, need!!! Amen
Today, LPL was present a lot. More so than usual, and so much more present than me, my logical self, because LPL was keeping me safe. She doesn’t think I, can fully handle that truth. It is okay LPL. I know it is scary, God is with us though, we are not bad person and I love you so much. I can face it in safe place if that makes you fel safe. That is it, you felt like I was going to keep trying to get you to talk before we were at safe place. I know we said a little to our spouse and that scares you. It is okay we can wait for the day we are at safe place to discuss this with safe person. I promise this is ok. Yes, LPL, I did see a little bit, and that scares you, it is okay. I am safe. I am alive. I am not in trouble nor will I ever be for this truth you discovered. And Liv and Hidden you are not ever bad! Ever. You bravely showed LPL what you were hiding. Hidden you do not have to hide, yet Hidden it is fine to wait to talk about it with us at safe place with MC. And Liv, if you can hear me, I love you and I am glad you trust LPL and Hidden, wait why dies that bother you? OK well thank you for trusting MC and LPL with the hidden secret? I think that is correct words I sense you saying or need to hear. We are loved all of me. We are loved. We are safe! We are loving! We are accepted! We are worthy! We are clean! We are on path of healing! We are on journey not event! Remember this truth also we are not alone ever! God, Jesus, Holy Spirit, He is with us Always! And we have MC who is joining us to traverse this trauma and she is with us in the process and she promise she won’t leave us. So we know we have human who MC, who help us face and process the scary unspoken things. They all out now, maybe?!? But not processed. She didn’t disappear, even though I cannot see her physically at this moment, God, His Holy Spirit plays the tape, “I believe you. I am here for you, to help you. I will not leave you. I know it hurts, let it out, you kept it in so long, let it out.”
And that brings us hope, and pushesus to the true HELP.
Our hope our Salvation, our new song!
I had lots of pain today, God had His timing in mind and had my new friend, (I love her so much),… and I just realized she may not know this, but she wrote me on FB messenger two times today. Each time asking how I was. Both times I needed to stop processing what I was in my email to MC. And that was God! It Is God. It is God’s Holy Spirit speaking to my new friend to speak to me.
Two times she did this today, what a blessing! Thank you so much new friend, for listening to Jesus, to ask how I was doing each time you did today! I honestly am very excited to meet you this week on the day we do!
And then my MC, I am so thankful that God led me through your doors and that you love me, and trust me, and truths I speak to you. I did speak up to you, and I thank you for being a real person, I can trust, and know by your words you will be here for, and with me, on my healing path and journey. I love you MC. I am afraid of the realness of discovering what LPL shared with you today. It evidently is a huge deal to me. Since I keep saying all I can, fully knowing it scares me because part of me that is out most the time only knows a little about it. But Praise God LPL reached out to safe person in the only way she could today. And I know a little but it confuses me and scares me. Yet it is okay. It is my story and I am learning about me, and it is okay. I am safe. I am loving and MC thank you for believing in me, and my story, and for being here with me, for my healing journey.
And my loving Spouse who God brought me to. I love you so very much. I know I get confused and say things I do not remember, thank you for your love and grace you give me. The other night I found our book I filled out (what little I did), about our marriage and how we met. It speaks of the love I have for you. It brings me hope in knowing part of me did fully know what she was doing when God brought you into my life. I love you now more than I can explain. You still choose me, even after you know my story. Even after you know how split my well being is. Even though you know I am hurting and hurt you sometimes.
I cannot promise I will never do it again, but I do promise, I will try very hard to not purposefully hurt you. And do promise to mindfully speak and listen to you at all times. I love you and am proud of you. God brought us together for a damn good reason, and man cannot do anything to destroy us. As long as we stay grounded in Christ, we have all we ever need at our disposal. And it will not always be pleasant, but it will Always Have Love! Always, no matter what, Love Wins!
And my spouse I love you more than I could express, you are here with me with my many tears. I know we have a lot of hurts we need to face together that we each have done, yet it is not an event, my love, it is a beautiful, painful, grace-filled, fucking, healing process! Our journey as each separate beings, and then, also together as husband, and wife. It is not easy, but nothing worth any thing ever is! Thank you my loving spouse for loving me and being with me on this scary journey. Thank you for your patience, and love, you show me when I hurt so bad, that words won’t come. So the tears flow, and even in that pain, thank you, for when you see me, you love me, and tell me you love me, and you will never leave me, and you accept me, and you hold me, as the tears flow. Thank you for believing in me and loving me.
I love you husband. Love all of me.
Even the newest parts, I don’t fully understand, We need loved and supported, so thank you for letting me work through this as slowly as I am. It is not easy so thank you for allowing me to do this in God’s timing. I love you.
In conclusion, God my loving and only Father, thank you for creating me. I know you see me as beautifully brave, and you hurt that I hurt so much. Thank you for the gift of life. Jesus the Christ thank you for saving me. Thank you for holding me when I hurt in my confusion of it being past or present. Thank you Holy Spirit for leading me to a safe place I can heal. I can become Whole and Fully who you created me to be Beautifully Brave! I am ending my day of writing with this entry. I pray the words I spoke are exactly what I was to say.
Bless all that read this, and double their blessings each additional time, in Jesus precious and holy name. Amen.