I cannot write much as I am in this triggered state – not wording that right. I am caught in a memory track of pain. It is very painful and very vivid and very real to me. It is my earliest traumatic memory — -of CSA to date. I hate it. I hate that I can sense it, yet I also am blessed my MC and I last week were able to do an exercise that allows me to feel safer. Does it stop the memories no. Do I sense I am safer – actually a lot of the time yeah.
Do I feel younger than my actual birth age – FUCK to the YES a million times over. I feel as if I am only about at the oldest pre-teen, but mostly only about 5 or so. Which is young. Yet it is hard to describe this feeling of how old I feel emotionally – I am young. Mentally I am able to process the reality around me and still keep up with this internal turmoil wrecking my insides with total mother fucking CHAOS!
Anyone who has been diagnosed with DID understands the words I speak. It is truly hard to comprehend that less than a year ago I didn’t know — any of these memories that haunt my every waking moment. I mean there is breaks of happy reprieve but mainly it is agony. I do not mean I just had things happen less than a year ago. What I mean is — less than a year ago, I became able to take the plunge to walk through the doors of my fucking amazing and BLESSED and Wise and truly a servant of our Holy Living God, and find the first safe person, and place — something I didn’t even know — I lacked or needed. I just knew I was sick and tired of being so damn codependent on a person — that is truly what led me through this awesome woman’s doors. I was truly ready to face my shit.
Less than two months later – honestly less than a month later, I think – but I do not want to go look back and trigger myself even more — anyway – was the first CSA memory that I felt safe enough to explore – or my body — my parts — (which mind you at that time I didn’t know — I was DID – yet – looking back at my life — there is no way – I wasn’t all my life this way I just wasn’t able to listen to my own body until recently…) and the memories. I can tell you looking back this exercise we did to try to stop the terrible … constant attacks of memories from this first man I remembered (which unfortunately is not the earliest .. 😦 ), we did this exercise to stop the traumatic memory in my mind to keep that man from being able to haunt me — in a way and in it my child self (Before I knew I was DID truly it was) but my child self — so weird she came into me and when she did — (it is part of the exercise which is helpful and part of healing –) anyway – she came into me and instantly — i did feel better but — so fucking confused like it got noisy in me and i didn’t know how to express it to MC at the time — now I see what it was — that exercise helped me see I can not only trust MC but also trust myself to take care of me – so when I did — those parts of me began speaking up. I couldn’t hear them at first.
I still struggle to grasp my TRUTH. Yet it is TRUTH. All the memories I have did happen. They DO suck. I do hurt. I will heal. It is a journey and it is painful and long, and mistakes WILL HAPPEN. People will hurt me unintentionally, yet, I can choose how I will handle it.
I have a part of me – Rebel (covered by Grace) – she goes by Rebel or Grace but for now with this most recent triggered memory — Rebel — it feels safer – which is kind of funny to think about it — Grace covers all so I can feel safe as Grace, but that means I have no control to my mind right now. I digress before I go off on a tangent down a rabbit hole — of my mind’s rambling. Okay so Rebel – she is mainly a teenager I believe however, I also believe she is younger too, she fronts this tough rebel to keep me safe yet deep down she is vulnerable and loving and needs loved even if she pushes others away. Then there is LPL — oh (Little Protector L..) she is an amazing challenge of a part of me – she refuses to the utmost degree almost all the time to NOT let me feel anything. It is what i had to do in the past to survive my childhood. However, my MC is so gentle so damn loving and caring with her that she is really truly seeing and starting to accept —that emotions are not harmful.
I also have many other parts. i am not even sure why I am writing about this today. I do know I had to take a self care day as my most recent traumatic memory — wow hurt to the utmost degree, and I am trying to take care of me today as I was so exhausted last night I completely shut down after I got home. And didn’t feel right this morning, so bravely, I listened to the parts of me that were speaking up to take the day off to self care. Which I did do. Praise God. I felt such relief when I did it.
I have been blessed in speaking with friends who have encouraged me today (not just today many days) but today especially. And to both of you.. I hope you know – without you I would not be as brave and able to self care for me as I need too. I love each of you — all of my parts love all of your parts so very much. Be blessed my friends in all you do today. I am hopeful for my hubby joining me – truly joining me in this journey I am on, by having to do the impossible – pay attention more carefully than humanly possible — not because I want you too, because there are parts of me that need it. On such a deep level to know they matter to a man – and are not just a … thing to be used for gratifications of their choosing. It is not fair for my spouse to have to pay attention to me like I am a child – I want to be treated like an adult – yet at the same time – there are parts of me that need that care and love and acceptance from someone who is an adult and loves me just for me. I know it will be good for both of us to learn how to do this. It is hard for me to trust him with this part of me … however, I believe God is in it. So if God is in it NOTHING can EVER stand against it! Will it be easy? FUCK no but who the hell really believes LIFE is ever EASY?
We are broken people in a broken world. And the only way we can make sense of it or exist is to freely delve into God’s love, through our Faith in Jesus, and allow the cleansing from the shedding of his blood on the cross to make me white and clean me, so the Holy Spirit can come in and then is when freedom exists. When I am able to listen to the Holy Spirit to know what it is I need to do. It isn’t easy because I am still fully human – so my human desires a lot of times supercede the still small voice and guidance of the Holy Spirit. Yet today I listened and took the day off work so I could take care of me. And I was blessed with being able to pen this blog post.
Thank you Holy Spirit for always being here with me even when I don’t listen, thank you for never leaving me. Thank you for directing me to find this amazing woman – MC – who is truly my mentoring counselor, my amazing I don’t know words do not justify the reality I experience in her presence. Because — GOD is in it when I am there at my safe place with my safe person — Oh God thank you for leading me to her. So many doors have opened for my healing as I have trusted her, and listened to you my one and only TRUE Father. I have made friends via FB and the Internet. Some I see in person, some I communicate via email or blogs or text. Whatever the medium may be I know these people were shown to me because I chose to listen to the Holy Spirit to walk though my Mentoring Counselor (MC), my safe person, at my safe place’s doors when I did which it is a year ago (date wise it is Friday – day wise it is tomorow, Thursday, April 16, 2015 at 445 pm). Yes that day there was this connection I had longed for — that I didn’t know was even possible. And it is not like I instantly trusted her — fuck – trust is an issue that — well yeah — I still struggle with it, but each time I see her I am reassured. I can trust her and she is real and she is not going anywhere. Truly a servant of Our amazing God — one of the chosen who had her own shit to deal with in life, that choose to Listen to LOVE – God, and after she had her healing journey – choose to help others on their own journeys. That is truly living the life of Faith we are called to live at least in my mind it is.
So truly from each and every part of me MC – thank you!!!!
Thank you to my friends.
Thank you to my hubby – thank you for being here for me and choosing to try to live this journey with me.
And most of all — Thank you Father God for giving me life, Thank you Jesus for giving me eternal LIFE, and thank you Holy Spirit for being my guide on this journey called — Life.
I pray this blesses all who read it. I apologize for typos. At this moment – I am too young to give a damn to fix any. I also believe or sense I am to post this as is for the realness and rawness of it. Oh why do people have to blair their damn radios so loud it scares the fuck out of me. sorry — okay time to post this.