Today as Rebel was journaling she wanted to do the core longings exercise to show that she really did want to be understood and heard. Two weeks ago, when we last met with MC, Rebel was challenged to get along with me, Hope, at least to acknowledge my importance and it is good to understand me. Let me backtrack or provide a little background first.
Liz is who I identify as, in most all areas of my life. Liz has no “identity”. She is who helps me manage who needs to be out, to be able to fucking function (yes thank you Rebel for the favorite word being thrown in here). Now as I have shared before trauma from my beginning in life significantly skewed my belief in attachments. I want to try to explain who I am, to contribute to my human processes (yeah I used the word process because well it is just truth – sorry Rebel I know this word – is not our favorite at all!!) and to capture my agreement within my system, Beautifully Brave (at this point in time (Saturday, February 18, 2017)).
When I last saw MC I was feeling sad, and a little lost (this is Hope writing for all, how all of BB was in a generalized way feeling). We knew MC would be out of the country for a week. We knew we would be going to see someone new, who specializes in DID. I knew LPL and Rebel would be in protection mode seeing a new person.
A long time ago I had asked a question, MC had consulted with RP and the answer I was told stung me and didn’t make any sense at all! So anytime MC and I would discuss the perceived threat I woild instanlty be LPL and Rebel protecting me. It turns out it was a simple misunderstanding and my protectors couldn’t accpet or grasp what was really said. The truth POWERFUL! I am glad, MC and all of us – (Liz and BB) were able to dig into this hurt and find out the reason it was affecting me so much. (I admit a lot of it is formed from Rebel and LPL already believing no one will accept us as we are)
The last time we saw MC our homework assignment was to read on and try to really (ALL OF BEAUTIFULLY BRAVE) accept what Healthy Attachment is – “google healthy attachment and try to find a way for Rebel to accept Hope’s wisdom, and that Rebel needs Hope…” Yep that was our homework. We actually did do it, but didn’t really grasp it or understand it fully or accept it until today… while Rebel was journaling. Rebel wants Hope to help her articulate and be understood.
more of BB Journey
We want to say, Rebel is writing to say it is nice to be able to express and know I, Rebel, am heard and understood. So I am allowing Hope to express for me in written form on here.
Rebel’s experience with core longings
When Rebel wrote in her journal that she wanted to express her hurts to God with the tool MC gave us (because RP emphasized the importance of core longings when we met with her both days).
Core Longings…how Rebel remembers it is a mnemonic (which sounds like bless ups to her…) 💓BLS UPS💓
Armed with the core longings tool we gave them to God. And He helpec us see truth in these areas of our deep unhealed wounds. Rebel shared she is hurting deeply and felt weak for needing anyone to help her in life. She longed for significance and purpose. She tries to push others away and deny she needs anyone in her life to help her. She believes she doesn’t need others. She believes others don’t really care about her because she believes she is unworthy, unloveable, and undesirable. She believes God thinks she is too terrible to matter. (And that hurts a fucking lot!!!)
Rebel closed her eyes in the shower and gave it all to God. All of it, and waited and listened. She heard the Holy Spirit speak to her and she listened. The shower ran over her like waterfalls and she heard:
“the Blood of Jesus washes and makes you, Rebel, as white as snow”.
“The warmth of the waterfall (represented by the shower flowing over us) brings security, safety, comfort”.
“Listen my child to the steady sound (of what it would be like in a waterfall). Rebel this signifies purpose and significance”.
“Now Rebel, the touch of the waterfall brings security and belonging”.
“And finally, Rebel whom I love very much, the motion of the waterfall brings Understanding (that no matter what is going on we are constantly refreshed and made anew because God is the waterfall). Jesus is holding us and cleansing us. The Holy Spirit speaks comforting truths about how we Belong to God, how we are Loved by God, how we are Secure in God, how we are Understood with God, how we have Purpose in God, and how we are Significant in God”.
Rebel chose to Rest in this truth in the waterfall, and she was and is refreshed, renewed, and her (and all of BB’s) soul is Restored.
Rebel feels God the Father’s perfect peace, because of Jesus, by the power of the Holy Spirit flowing through all of Beautifully Brave. And Rebel is happy she did this exercise to experience the joy and hope freely given when we stop and quiet our minds, to listen to Truth.
just for fun
I Hope was present when we took a break from writing earlier to ride our bike with our son. We realized I, Hope and bery uncoordinated! And when I was getting on the bike I didn’t when have my balance and fell with the handle bars and pedal smashing into my left leg as my left buttcheek hit the ground. (Ouch!) I laughed internally and realized oh fuck it’s not a strength of mine, and Liz had us switch to little lizzy and Rebel to enjoy the bike ride and to keep us safe.
I thought well you know you have DID when you fall for no good reason, and realize it’s all because we didn’t have good agreement (nor co-con) at the right time. And most importantly we realize we are accepting ourself and learning more about how we work when we can laugh at our inablity to get it right!
Rejoice in the Lord Always, I will say it again, Rejoice (Philippians 4:4). Always Rejoice. Constantly pray. In everything give thanks. For this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18). Finally brothers and sisters whatever is true, whatever is worthy of respect, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if something is excellent or praiseworthy think of about these things (Philippians 4:8). And these three remain, Faith, Hope, and Love, but the greatest among these is Love! (1 Corinthians 13:13). I give you a new commandment to Love one another as I have loved you. You also are to love one another (John 13:34).