Tonight my littles especially lovies had a very hard time at Bible Study. We studied Hebrews 13:4 and we just were not able to help keep lovies from havong to stop from being triggered. It is physically painful and emotinally overwheming.
The sweat pouring from my face, the runmble in my intestines, the intense pains……
It is not like it is a horrible subject it just is confusing for us. I hate this feeling of being out of control. I feel like I am a bad person for not doing what was right, by being exposed to sexual stimulation before I wanted. I felt obligated to give my body to whomever smiled at me my entire life.
I feel shame, like I feel like I asked for the horrible abuses that happened to my body back then when I was so young.
Why was this my worth?
Why is this subject so fucking hard?
So fucking triggering?
I want to run the fuck away yet feel frozen to my seat
Like i deserve this pain inside because I am the cause of them wanting to take all of me at such a young age so this is what i feel is all of my worth.
I hate these body memories. I hate this fucking feeling of shame.
Now my Hope knows it is not my shame to hold, yet lovies is out tonight and it hurts. I guess i will just shut the fuck up and not feel…..