Fear becomes…

fear is what happened all morning, I couldn’t see the truth, the light, the love I know exists, I was unable to help my lovies out… I had terrible terrible nightmares last night.  Awakened, as I usually am by my loving husband – yet it was not an adult part of me…

I longed for it to be, yet at this time

I.

Just.

Didn’t know how!  that caused a lot of fear, confusion, and more pain… I do not remember what happened in my bedroom other than, my husband came in and prayed for us, while we were listening to our resources script (recorded on my phone from one of my sessions with MC).  It helped some yet, this deep agony of the only way to describe it is oppressive, compressing, obliteration of self into shame…

 I tried to do what I know we can..

we just…

were little. At the time, in my bed and I did not understand who… (looking back from what I understand now), it is lovies who awakened first today… and was present until about 45 minutes after I showered.

That is painful in a lot of ways,

painful I couldn’t help her stop.. the agonizing pain I can see, but not really fully experience…

it is not fair to lovies to have to endure this pain alone.

She has taken on so much so much…

no one should EVER fucking have to endure, let alone at the ages it occurred and the confusion and effect it caused us to BE who we are.

Which I am happy for us all.  ALL of me I love, adore and KNOW I couldn’t survive without them.  LPL thought she was present during all of this morning, (yet, she only was a little bit when husband was asking us to do things we just — didn’t even fully understand at the time. We tried yet, yeah we should just be able to get over this stuff and not be young like we are…. and be the adult we are.. yet we just were not). And that hurts all inside. I am sad they feel so sad and like they did something wrong. Yet

YET the fucking truth is they did everything right.  I let us down by not being the adult I am yet I didn’t know how to this morning.  I was there but not.. I cannot explain it any other way and IT fucking hurts to admit this weakness, this shame, this humiliation I feel…

I know the truth is this is not From God nor does it benefit any part of me to feel this shame — so it is from fucker himself!  

Lovies is terrified and petrified to shower again, now.  LPL feels guilt as well as Rebel and Venus for not keeping lovies safe this morning, yet how could we? were not awake? Yet I just — this makes no logical sense to me, how the FUCKING FUCK IS THIS FUCKING EVENFUCKING possible?  I feel like I am seeing what happened, yet it is not me, yet it is???

I feel like a fucking liar… Like this is too hard like this bullfuckingshit hurts so much … what the fuck, is the fucking point??? —

Yet then again – the truth is …. I am loved, all of Liz and Beautifully Brave not because of what we do, not because of the things we do correctly… we are LOVED simply because we exist! Simply because we all CHOOSE CHRIST as the one who is our savior. Because we believe HE died for my sins, my wrongs I do, and still He, Jesus Christ, still wanted to rie from the grave, even for US!  HE rose from the grave three days later, and THIS is my LIFE I have waiting for me IN Heaven… –perfection, no more pain, tears, hurts, shame.  Only Love, adoration, Praise to the Creator of me and all the Earth who LOVED me and everyone SO much HE sacrificed HIS only ONLY son, to DIE a terrible, horrible death, CRUCIFIED so I can live forever in Perfection when this earthly body deteriorates away, my soul Lives forever.

what about now my littles inquire, ask and long to know the answer too… and wait, we all do know this answer – even though they feel inadequate, unable too, and not allowed to experience the HOLY SPIRIT – He is ALWAYS in US because WE choose CHRIST AS OUR SAVIOR AND BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IN JESUS.  

my words I speak, the words I choose to capitalize is simply for me, for how I understand, for how I connect with me. To ensure all of me, Liz and BB, we KNOW we are loved just as we are, and the truth is no MATTER what happens, we have worth. The lie is Life will be easy. The lie is we will never suffer, (fuck I wish it were truth though oh so often), the lie is we will get it right if we have HOLY SPIRIT in us.  Well we have this thing called free will, and oh how it is so tied to the fucker himself, he has us just with our first twinge of fear and when we give into that fear he has us, and we are taken down, down, down… not always – yet sometimes.. and in these sometimes, we feel our life is over, we are not worthy of living, we have fucked up for the last time, and we do not deserve the gift of life.

Yet, who are WE, to say we have NO worth?

Did we create our self?

Did we magically just “poof” BE-come?

Or, are we part of God’s loving plan for creation, and have an amazing Purpose for Existing. Not because we deserve to live, because HE created us TO share HIS truth with the world. So the world MAY know LOVE.

Love is always faithful. Love is Always Just. Love is Always Patient. Love Always protects, Hopes,  BELIEVES ALL THINGS, BEARS ALL THINGS, HOPES ALL THINGS, ENDURES ALL THINGS… MOST OF ALL LOVE NEVER-EVER FAILS!

So if we have this LOVING Father who ENDURES all things for us, how can we BE a failure if WE are HIS creation?  The truth is the fucker, satan wants us to believe the LIES that we are not really His (God’s through Jesus) – if we do all this bad.. how can we be God’s…?

Lies!

I choose to try to rise above this horrible sinking feeling inside of my body. I feel such agonizing pain of shame and unworthiness.

lovies is so sad she let us down and couldn’t stop…the memories from winning — 

I wish my dearest Lovies I could have helped you, you truly do not have to endure this alone anymore!  I love you my dearest lovies. 

That is all we have to say today.  It is a difficult day. Yet it is just a day, and just as the birds of the field are fed, the lilies of the valley come up to show us their beauty, the day will pass and tomorrow will come up with the sun. and we will start all over again.  Oh if the pain was not so incapacitating, perhaps it would be … no, who am I to tell my MAKER, creator of MY life what MY life needs to look like?

Perhaps the truth is, Fairness is like Normal…Just as normal is relative, in relation to God and Fairness what is fair? except what God says is fair, we do not, and cannot HANDLE the big picture, so we go along each day clinging to the truth that Salvation sets us free from Eternal separation from LOVE.

Maybe, just maybe, for a moment I can rest in this TRUTH and REMAIN grounded on the ROCK of Truth, and Thrive. Be it just a moment, on the day that I found myself banging my head on a wall, that I heard my son say MOMMY stop acting that way, stop talking like that, yet I didn’t know what was …I didn’t know how to change because I am who I was at that time because I cannot just CHANGE because I am asked too.  Fuck

Okay we are going to stop writing and end with this.

To God be the Glory Great things HE has done!

The still small voice of the Holy Spirit of God is telling me to rest, be still Listen. I choose to do this now.  Well first, I want to say thank you so MUCH WB for being so willing to be so ON when we need you.  Thank you for responding to the person you just talked to, making sense, speaking clearly, expressing correctly.  Thank you! And thank you Jesus for allowing me to BE who I am. Even though it is a fucking struggle – It is okay for times like what just happened. Makes it a little more manageable, because it truly wasn’t anything I did, it is Christ Jesus it is you in me, and the Holy Spirit in me, that allows Liz and BB to fucking function as efficiently as we do when we stop trying, and Let YOU do the work Jesus. Thank you!

 

Advertisements

Published by:

r3constructing self

I am Beautifully Brave. I have C-PSTD (Depression and Anxiety, DID, and ADHD. This blog assimilate veracious cognition captures my growth and truth on my healing journey. I had a horribly fucked up childhood and now I am choosing to face it so I can heal, and Thrive! I started this blog in late 2015, as I edit this about me section it is the middle of December 2017. The parts of who we are, (our system name is "Beautifully Brave": *EZE* *love* *Samson* *M3rci* *lovies* *Joy* *Peace* *LPL* *little lizzy* *Rebel grace* *Venus* *Edgyth* *Worker Bee* *Hope* *Liz* Each identity has a fucking purpose for existing. A mosaic of hope is blossoming. Hope will be the first step on the path to wholeness. I am in this to heal, not just survive, but THRIVE. So that's me .... a fucking rebel struggling to remain grounded, while traversing the path to wholeness.

Categories processingLeave a comment

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s