“I feel like I have to get it right all the time… if I do not get it right, I believe I will either “get in trouble” or be told how stupid and bad I am.”
Those beliefs, those words constantly run through my head.
I think today we (with the help of MC) we discovered the root cause of this belief.
It was a cold day, I opened the door to our deep freeze, being the age of five I wondered how cold the freezer was. So in my five year old wisdom, I decided to try to lick it the self of the freezer to see if it was really cold or not. My tongue was stuck! I thought about screaming, yet knew it would be thrown back at me. My sister in her three year old wisdom did go find our dad, and he came stomping out to the garage and yelled at me in such a mean tone, “you did this yourself figure out how to get out of it” “Why are you so stupid, I cannot believe you did that” and then he just walked away and left me there to figure out how to move.
I tried and tried and tried to get off without my tongue staying behind. (well not all of it but a chunk. of it did stay behind. And when I asked for help again I was told..”too bad you should know better than to do that”… “just leave the room so I do not give you something to cry about”
This memory honestly cannot be the first one of this nature.
I am sure it was not first time I heard those words, yet it is the one that sticks out the most. It hurts to think about it, not physically per se, yet I feel these feels so deep within my chest, it hurts and I want to cry yet not alone.
I was only five years old, I honestly can say when I look at it again at this time, and I can see I actually knew I would not receive help, yet I still tried.
I was scared, so alone, so tossed aside, like a throwaway person meant to absorb all the bad feels around me. (again this is a lie also from the one who is the father of all lies – fucker himself, the evil one, satan, who wants to steal, kill, and destroy … I do not want to align myself with him. To accept this is hard. As in to accept when I do not align myself with God I am in turn aligning myself with satan fuck to the fucking fuck that is a hard one to swallow, yet it is so fucking true!
My homework for this memory, this deep rooted horrible shame-filled belief, is to write a letter to it, to all the times I remember it being “emphasized, or further pounded into me as TRUTH”… write a letter to this thought/belief and tell it how we, Liz and BB and LPL especially she holds these memories… and share with ourselves in this letter and to this memory the truth about the situation. YES it happened. YES it fucking sucked! YES it hurts, YES it is not the only time I was told my worth was based on how I did get it right, even if no rules were shared, I had BETTER fucking know what they were ahead of time or there would be all kinds of hell to pay.
Well my homework is to write a letter to share with this memory to remind LPL the truth of what we saw today during our session. We did a little processing to change how our view. To see God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit in this memory and they say to me, I am never alone, I am brave, I am loved, and I have all I need and I do not have to do this on my own. THEY are always with me and will walk and are walking with me through this healing process.
OH wait there is more homework. Whenever I feel the need to apologize to MC for what I said, or how I feel; change it to the words to, “I have important things to say, my voice matters, and I am allowed to share it”.
It is not fucking easy!
I can see how much a difference it makes to actively notice my words are valid and important, and I do not need to apologize for my feels or truths about me.
LPL you are allowed to write this letter, to live in truth, and take one more step on our healing path. To freely live the LIFE God created for us to LIVE!
Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted (Matthew 5:4).