Attachment, Security, Significance, Waterfalls

Intro

Today as Rebel was journaling she wanted to do the core longings exercise to show that she really did want to be understood and heard.  Two weeks ago, when we last met with MC, Rebel was challenged to get along with me, Hope, at least to acknowledge my importance and it is good to understand me.  Let me backtrack or provide a little background first.

Background

Liz is who I identify as, in most all areas of my life. Liz has no “identity”. She is who helps me manage who needs to be out, to be able to fucking function (yes thank you Rebel for the favorite word being thrown in here). Now as I have shared before trauma from my beginning in life significantly skewed my belief in attachments.  I want to try to explain who I am, to contribute to my human processes (yeah I used the word process because well it is just truth – sorry Rebel I know this word – is not our favorite at all!!) and to capture my agreement within my system, Beautifully Brave (at this point in time (Saturday, February 18, 2017)).

When I last saw MC I was feeling sad, and a little lost (this is Hope writing for all, how all of BB was in a generalized way feeling). We knew MC would be out of the country for a week.  We knew we would be going to see someone new, who specializes in DID. I knew LPL and Rebel would be in protection mode seeing a new person.

A long time ago I had asked a question, MC had consulted with RP and the answer I was told stung me and didn’t make any sense at all!  So anytime MC and I would discuss the perceived threat I woild instanlty be LPL and Rebel protecting me.  It turns out it was a simple misunderstanding and my protectors couldn’t accpet or grasp what was really said. The truth POWERFUL! I am glad, MC and all of us – (Liz and BB) were able to dig into this hurt and find out the reason it was affecting me so much.  (I admit a lot of it is formed from Rebel and LPL already believing no one will accept us as we are)  

The last time we saw MC our homework assignment was to read on and try to really (ALL OF BEAUTIFULLY BRAVE) accept what Healthy Attachment is – “google healthy attachment and try to find a way for Rebel to accept Hope’s wisdom, and that Rebel needs Hope…”  Yep that was our homework.  We actually did do it, but didn’t really grasp it or understand it fully or accept it until today… while Rebel was journaling.  Rebel wants Hope to help her articulate and be understood.  

more of BB Journey

We want to say, Rebel is writing to say it is nice to be able to express and know I, Rebel, am heard and understood.  So I am allowing Hope to express for me in written form on here.  

Rebel’s experience with core longings

When Rebel wrote in her journal that she wanted to express her hurts to God with the tool MC gave us (because RP emphasized the importance of core longings when we met with her both days).

Core Longings…how Rebel remembers it is a mnemonic (which sounds like bless ups to her…) 💓BLS UPS💓

Belonging

Love

Security

Understanding

Purpose

Significance

explanation

Armed with the core longings tool we gave them to God. And He helpec us see truth in these areas of our deep unhealed wounds. Rebel shared she is hurting deeply and felt weak for needing anyone to help her in life.  She longed for significance and purpose.  She tries to push others away and deny she needs anyone in her life to help her.   She believes she doesn’t need others. She believes others don’t really care about her because she believes she is unworthy, unloveable, and undesirable. She believes God thinks she is too terrible to matter.  (And that hurts a fucking lot!!!)

Rebel closed her eyes in the shower and gave it all to God. All of it, and waited and listened.  She heard the Holy Spirit speak to her and she listened.  The shower ran over her like waterfalls and she heard:

“the Blood of Jesus washes and makes you, Rebel, as white as snow”.

“The warmth of the waterfall (represented by the shower flowing over us) brings security, safety, comfort”.

“Listen my child to the steady sound (of what it would be like in a waterfall).  Rebel this signifies purpose and significance”.

“Now Rebel, the touch of the waterfall brings security and belonging”.

“And finally, Rebel whom I love very much, the motion of the waterfall brings Understanding (that no matter what is going on we are constantly refreshed and made anew because God is the waterfall). Jesus is holding us and cleansing us. The Holy Spirit speaks comforting truths about how we Belong to God, how we are Loved by God, how we are Secure in God, how we are Understood with God, how we have Purpose in God, and how we are Significant in God”.

Rebel chose to Rest in this truth in the waterfall, and she was and is refreshed, renewed, and her (and all of BB’s) soul is Restored

Rebel feels God the Father’s perfect peace, because of Jesus, by the power of the Holy Spirit flowing through all of Beautifully Brave. And Rebel is happy she did this exercise to experience the joy and hope freely given when we stop and quiet our minds, to listen to Truth. 

just for fun
I Hope was present when we took a break from writing earlier to ride our bike with  our son.  We realized I, Hope and bery uncoordinated! And when I was getting  on the bike I didn’t when have my balance and fell with the handle bars and pedal smashing into my left leg as my left buttcheek hit the ground. (Ouch!)  I laughed internally and realized oh fuck it’s not a strength of mine, and Liz had us switch to little lizzy and Rebel to enjoy the bike ride and to keep us safe.

I thought well you know you have DID when you fall for no good reason, and realize it’s all because we didn’t have good agreement (nor co-con) at the right time. And most importantly we realize we are accepting ourself and learning more about how we work when we can laugh at our inablity to get it right!

Rejoice in the Lord Always, I will say it again, Rejoice (Philippians 4:4). Always Rejoice. Constantly pray. In everything give thanks. For this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18). Finally brothers and sisters whatever is true, whatever is worthy of respect, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if something is excellent or praiseworthy think of about these things (Philippians 4:8). And these three remain, Faith, Hope, and Love, but the greatest among these is Love! (1 Corinthians 13:13).  I give you a new commandment to Love one another as I have loved you.  You also are to love one another (John 13:34).

🤗🙃🤗

Advertisements

And the Truth sets you free…..

Hi, its been a while and I’ve grown into understanding myself (Liz and BB) a whole lot better (hence the title and the truth sets you free..).  And  I was given an opportunity to help me while MC is out celebrating, an important anniversary, to meet with a sweet, warm, treasure of a woman, to help me stay stabilized during the week.  Thank you MC for allowing me to see someone whom you love dearly this week, and thank you DID specialist (RP) for taking the time to see me 2 times this week.

As I shared with RP today of things that were deeply weighing on me so much so i took a day of FMLA for selfcare for myself. I shared my website (blog, this one and hadn’t realized how long its been since I wrote on here. As i came here to look at it to share the correct address, I found It is outdated!!!

The main thing I will do today is I  will share an excerpt from my journal  (unedited from when I shared it with my BFFs Collective and Guardians from January 7, 2017.

A little background first, on the 4th or 5th of January I went into my session and said i want to know what it is like to come toghether. And LPL and Love want to do this today and I believe MC, you may not “know what to do,” yet i believe the Holy Spirit will show you how to help me what to do. So we did and it was Jesus who brought LPL and Love back into one (instead of two separate parts of me they are one).  It was beautiful and i will have to find the recording from that day, however below captures the beautiful imagery, I was given when some other parts were ready for this also.  I Just. WAS! So much so it was a battle all week and weekend until we stopped and listened to all of me and allowed Jesus, God and the Holy Spirit to do this in me.  It was not scary it was beautifully brave …so it was for me and is Me!

The following is what I wrote in my journal, “I saw Jesus and me – Jesus took all my parts that are deciding to conjoin to be who it is we are – on this part of our healing Journey and firstly it was an Explosion of green?! (which makes sense! Perfect sense M3rci was the first to speak up about sexual abuse —and M3rci is represented by green). Okay so then it was Jesus and lovies is a heart, a red heart that is held/housed in Jesus heart and Samson comes in represented by yellow just a yellow (well in my time with Jesus at first Samson did turn into the shape of a penis but Jesus took him and he just melted into a yellow peaceful splash of color that was absorbed into the middle of lovies, who was still in the middle of Jesus heart. And then M3rci came in represented by green splash of color and was soaked into the middle of lovies (a red heart) which was still inside of Jesus heart and Jesus gently pushes us into lovies and we are then … Peace flows to and then hides from Jesus because of shame and fear, yet the Holy Spirit and God guide Peace back to Jesus and we are absorbed into Jesus hands, and flow through his arms and with the Holy Spirit are infused into lovies, and the Holy Spirit stays in us, inside of lovies. And then Joy is diamond hard, impenetrable yet malleable and shaped into a perfectly clear, translucent heart that instantly Jesus places and forms and melds to lovies and loves transformation is complete! We are lovies inside Liz and BB, because Jesus has us in His heart yet instantly we are in Liz’s also and we are safe because the Holy Spirit infused in us and Jesus created us and Liz houses us and we are part of Beautifully Brave.

And then I see and sense LPL who senses her transformation was … yet before a thought can fully evolve – Jesus gently picks up LPL and melodically whispers, “you are LPL I formed you – you are one with Love – love is in you, LPL, and remains. I formed you – you are malleable, amazing, and soldered together with the Holy Spirit” The Holy Spirit is the teal color and shape of a heart (which represents love inside of LPL). LPL you are amazingly beautifully colored different variations of purple and blue – cannot be described with human words and in the shape of the human you are human. We are Liz and we protect Liz because Jesus created us and the Holy Spirit keeps us together

and then we have dreamer – oh dreamer is from trust and dreamer and gentle. Dreamer is teal with purplish mix, trust is orange, and gentle is gold.  We are Liz we help Liz dream. Our function is to help Liz dream and Trust and gently remember she, Liz is the mom and knows what to do. So I gentle am in dreamer with trust because that is where we belong now.  We are not a real form (solid shape) we are fully present though during dreams and other times that Liz needs us. We are formed and molded together by Jesus and the Holy Spirit infuses us and melds us together and we flow freely as energy and as thoughts – as exactly who dreamer is supposed to be.

So Jesus thank you for helping me with LPL, dreamer (who is in me), and lovies transformations inside of me, Liz and BB:

(littles) EZE, gr@c3, lovies, LPL, little lizzy

(teens) Venus, Rebel

(adults) Worker Bee, Hope

I have a lot more I could say about my journey since September 2016, however, for now I will conclude with this.  God leads us on paths we don’t understand and even kinda hate at times.  Yet, the Truth is God is Love and wherever we go, even if we stray He is right there to gently pick us up and place us back in His loving care, on the life path He had laid out for us.  It may not make sense now, and it may never, on this side of Heaven.  Yet it is always perfectly ours to claim.  All we have to do is quiet our thoughts (parts), minds, and just listen for the Holy Spirit of God. And when we listen and allow the Holy Spirit and Jesus to guide us, no matter what Life throws our way… it’s never-EVER alone.  Jesus tells us He is the Way, Truth, and Life.  I hope my friends whomever reads this knows this and has invited Jesus in as their savior.  Be Blessed and Rest in Truth.

 

My journey of BEing Beautifully Brave,continues

Everyone’s life is full of good, bad, and even traumatic experiences.  We are human, we live in a broken world, and we are hurting people, who do hurt people. From our beginning journey in this world, each moment created wires to allow us to interact with the world. If a moment is traumatic it creates a wire. If a moment is good it creates a wire.  All moments create wires.  These wires from our past have crossroads or filters allowing all humans to quickly arrive at an answer to the situation presented (to increase the speed of how we interact with the world).

When a present experience flows through a wire from a traumatic experience, we arrive at the crossroad. If we are in a safe space with a safe person, our present experience is not really our past. So how the FUCK can we learn to change our crossroad or filter? The answer is a word – Process.  And that process is “fucking hard as HELL” (to use some terms personalized for me in my therapy by my amazing MC).  We have these filters to help us interact with the world, when our filters are shown to be inaccurate, chaos results.

Chaos has a name – cognitive dissonance.

The process to rewire the filter tears us apart.

It destroys lies from the past meant to kill and destroy us.

On an even more personal note, being a survivor from past wiring through our traumas created a filter system of survival by dissociation. In other words, my “self” created identities to survive the hell, “self” endured.  These identities LONG for truth, yet their very existence arose to protect the “self” and anything that “tips the balance” creates havoc in the inner world, of any dissociative person (actually, ANY person).

How can one who dissociates allow rewiring to occur, when it goes against the very nature of our survival?

The answer is something I FUCKING HATE TO HEAR in counseling – “it is a process not an event!”

Fuck

Seriously??

The past needs PROCESSed in order to heal!?!

But WHY??

Is what we cry at the injustice of creating chaos in what we believed to be a finely tuned life of living…

However, if we are truly honest and view cognitive dissonance as good – (in this context) then, the PROCESS of our healing journey continues.

 

 

Journey 

 I am becoming Beautifully Brave through the amazing power of Transference neurosis = The phenomenon of [my] developing a strong emotional relationship with [MC].” (Medical Dictionary for the Health Professions and Nursing., 2012)
I am learning a lot about me and the most important thing I strive to constantly remember is:  I am in this place at this time because God has an amazing plan for my life!  I am BEcoming whole, in the perfect timing of our Savior, Jesus Christ, through the Power of the Holy Spirit.  It is not easy and I will have to reside and let pain exist, but I am never alone!
Through this process I have started to Trust and *let go of fear* within my safe-space. And it is allowed, and fucking HEALTHY for me!!
I am developing *Hope* through learning and developing a cooperative relationship with my part *Hope*. Hope contains wisdom, truth, and knowledge. And I am so thankful for you hope!  
Back to the word transference neurosis; transference has allowed all of me, especially, LPL and Gr@c3 to understand *Emoting within the secure, loving, and wise environment of my MC office is done in safety* – (***and***We are PROTECTED by God, through the Holy Spirit, with Jesus at all times!!)
I have been blinded from reality for too many fucking years !  One way I am healing is to *unlearn pseudo-truths* from my past.  This process is painful, yet I never have to be alone again!!!
Through this process, I strive to remain within the Peace that surpasses all understanding (the Power of Jesus blood) that my *healing* journey is exactly the way it is supposed to be!

I write today to praise God, my true Father for the beautiful design of this path He prepared for me.  I praise Jesus, He has led me through the doors of my amazing *Mentoring Counselor *!  MC, who is guided by the Holy Spirit, shares God’s love with me every time I see her.  God has given me an amazing support system. I have Jesus and God through the Holy Spirit; I have MC, I have an amazing husband (who is supporting, loving, and here for me when I need); and I have some of the best fucking friends one could ever fathom…all created for me to become WHOLLY BB!  

References:
transference neurosis. (n.d.) Medical Dictionary for the Health Professions and Nursing. (2012). Retrieved August 12 2016 from http://medical-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/transference+neurosis

 

Come to me, all you who labor and are heavily burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart; and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30, WEB)

healing process

wp-1451882582712.jpg

As I was chatting with a dear, dear friend today, something she said, sparked this light inside of me – from The Holy Spirit to not only validate my friend, but encourage me that – dude Healing – the process hurts – but it really is BETTER on the other side. True healing that is.

situation

My friend hurt had a sliver of glass in her body and took a day or two before she received medical care for it.  It hurt a hell of a lot more after the sliver was removed than it did the day she cut herself.

information

When I responded with the physical healing process our body goes through the Holy Spirit opened my eyes to the amazing truth about Healing…..

When a foreign object is in our body, our body is so fucking amazing and wants to heal itself! IT just DOES! It is the way GOD created our bodies — self-regulation and self-healing.  Yet, it does this even IF the foreign object or material still remains.  Now we do start to feel better initially when the “healing” takes place, however, it will not for long – in fact it could hurt us if we do not EVER remove that foreign object. Yet, logic tells us , wait a minute, we feel better, the object is not hurting us, why remove it?  Because if we don’t an infection will start! Yeah but how do we KNOW an infection will start, and won’t it open up new wounds if we pull out the foreign object?

It will cause greater pain to deny the truth that the foreign object needs removed, than the pain that will ensue when removing the foreign object.  It is just how we were created.  WE were created to be whole, free of foreign objects, sometimes it will hurt, but we will be whole on the other side of the initial PAIN. and it will be GREAT pain!

I mean how wouldn’t it be? Our body was doing it’s job in healing the cut, and we are reopening a healing wound so it will hurt A LOT! Because our body doesn’t see the big picture it only sees the little immediate sensations.. It is how our body was made to keep us safe.

truth

The same is true with emotional wounds.  Probably why mental illness is called an invisible disease. Because these emotional wounds are hidden – yet our body tried to heal itself – from these emotional wounds, while the lies of the emotional wounds remain buried deep within.  The only way to heal from this… yep – Tear away the lies – bit by bit. DAMN it is a fucking painful process. Yet, truly this is what we need to be Whole to be WHO God created us to be.

We cannot do this alone – we can’t, just as a medical doctor will remove the foreign material from my friends hand, so will a mental health provider help us remove the lies of our past that constrain us from living Wholly who We were MADE to be.  It is not easy to face the truth, it is not easy to admit we need help. It is not easy to dig into places we didn’t even know existed, yet, only when these lies are removed can – we truly BEcome – who it is we were CREATED to be.

This truth – this healing process the truth in how medicine is medicine is MEDICINE – no matter the source – healing only begins when the foreign material is removed and fresh wounds are opened.  Then and ONLY then can we, if we choose, face the pain and allow the Healing to filter in – the True Healing – from the SOURCE of ALL!

I pray as you read this – whatever it is you, the reader are to receive and understand – opens up your eyes to not only how much we are created to need help in this world, BUT how normal it is to receive mental health care. If one is damaged by lies the only way to heal is to get help to tear away the lies and find our-self – the self – God created us to be!

conclusion

First Corinthians 13:11-13, “When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. But when I became an adult, I set aside childish ways. For now we see in a mirror indirectly, but then we will see face to face. Now I know in part, but then I will know fully, just as I have been fully known. And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.”

I pray Love from the source of LOVE FLOODS each an every person’s soul who reads this blog.  Be blessed!

 

Parts of me

The parts of me I know: *EZE (formed from E (li) Z (ab) E (th)* *lo^ə (from fear which came out of LPL)* *liv* *trust (formerly pain)* *Dreamer (formerly sacrifice)* *liv* *Joy (formerly ultra)* *Peace (formerly hidden)* *M3rci* *lovies (formerly sex parts)* *LPL* *little lizzy* *Gr@c3 (formerly two parts Venus and R3b3l  (covered by grace))* *MomyE* *Worker Bee* *Hope (formerly scrambled eggs, and originally Scribe)* *Logic Liz* work together to form Beautifully Brave (BB) (my system) and each identity has a fucking purpose for existence.

EZE, Lo^ə, Trust, Dreamer, liv, M3rci, Lovies, little lizzy are all littles from ages three to seven

LPL – who is one of my main protectors and holds a lot of control of my emotions.  She is embarrassed to share her physical age (young)

Joy – is another young protector along with Peace – these two… protect me during s*xually abuses

Gr@c3 – another protector in her teens, very angry, very rebellious, and protective *UPDATE – 04/14/2017* – grace was never a teen she came from rebel, and is actually very innocent, sweet and very articulate.

MomyE – a mommy ..always wanted to be a mommy, six years old, tries to help be a mommy in real life to own kids, never wants anyone to be hurt ever

Worker Bee – my knowledge of so many things especially related to work

Hope – my wisdom retainer and sharer with all parts who will listen

Logic Liz that’s me.  I suppose it’s me. Sometimes I don’t know.

These parts form my system of BB.

I daily struggle with believing I’m not lying because it’s so illogical, however, it has to be truth.  Truly it makes sense of how I’ve felt all my life, in glimpses at least.

I never knew why I’ve always felt so different, as in I could never grasp why I felt the intense fears I have for as long as I remember and why I’ve never trusted men… it makes sense now!

I struggle to accept that what happened to me wasn’t my fault.  Wasn’t something I deserved. Nor was it something I asked for.  I did NOTHING to deserve the horrendous abuses committed to me when I was a child.  Nor a teen. Nor an adult. None of it did I deserve.  None of it did I cause.  I’m still learning to really accept that but Hope can write it, and she means it, and knows it’s true!!

My journey is difficult right now.  The intense pain humbles, me in ways I cannot handle on my own.  That’s the greatest and most fucked up part of my life… people who hurt me were leaders of a church I grew up in…and now the people who help me, who push me to truth..to a relationship with God, Jesus, and The Holy Spirit are helping me find my voice, my purpose, my reason for existing.  It’s not really about me,  it’s about God’s path, He has for me to find and follow.

Life is not easy.  But with The Holy Spirit in me, my amazing Mentoring Counselor, my friends, my awesome hubby, and my Savior Jesus, and Creator God, I will not only get through this life, but arise a changed, and healed Beautifully Brave Mosaic.

What evil intended to use to destroy me, will only create strength and wisdom and courage and grace within me.  Some days like this moment are easier than others.  But all are better with relationship!!!
Be blessed and enjoy this day our Great Lord has made!

image

Dreamer and Hope

these words were created while digging into first Timothy three….

Grievous acts will occur to try to steal, kill, and destroy.
Humans will turn from their first LOVE, toward lies, toward pseudo-truths, toward lovers of themselves, toward making themselves to being all powerful, all knowledgeable, and all things they are not.
Total deconstruction of what God, our Father, Creator, intended us to be. Selfishly living, and buying into, and selling ourselves for instant gratification.
Instead of enduring refinement, recreation, returning, and submitting, instead of being a servant to the Hope of all HOPES; a follower toward self-satisfaction, self-everything, and only hearing the lies satan has implanted in us at every opportunity he finds.

The Truth Exists in Us!

We know it! 

WE were not formed from Evil, as those who lack total self-abandonment believe, no, this understanding is not of human origin, rather, the Spirit of Truth, through the Son’s Power. 

This Truth that we all are created to do specific things.

I, your Father actually know what choices you will make.  You still have to do it, but when you Find My Path for you, even though by human measure it will be unfair, by My measure for you, it is nothing but the best!

Yes, some will be enticed by the love of everything, but Me. Yet those who remain focused on My will for them, will never falter, fail, or be destroyed.  They will be tempted, tested, refined, and seemingly destroyed, ALL for My Glory! 

It will hurt!

It will destroy what seems like truth and good, however, it’s only when these things that steal them from Me are cut away, will My glory for them continue SHINE!  Then, being refined by fire arise, their true self, their soul, My formation I originally knew they would become. 

When I, your Father am revealed, when nothing of you remains, then, My Freedom, My Power will be your glory as you lead others to Me!

For as I said from your creation, you’ve known my truth, the words of My breath written, and recorded so you may know Me, so you will become who I’ve made you to BE. 
My Child, you are already equipped to lead others to Me, for My Glory! 
Remember this when persecutions arise, and Life seems impossible, and you will find TRUE rest!! 
Then, Freedom in Me will Reign over, and in, and through you, because I love you THAT much! 

Steadfastly seek the gifts I have for you. 
Always Be slow to speak, slow to anger, and Abounding in Love!