Struggles

Learning how to listen, and truly HEAR my inner world, my system Beautifully Brave is HARD!!

How to listen to the painful sensations to know it is parts of me needing to speak. 

It is all so fucking exhausting.

Then, just when I think oh this is how I understand this…something else triggers me, humbles me, and makes me feel utterly destroyed. 

It hurts so much fucking hell. 

FUCK I HATE how life or the evil one tried to fucking..is actively trying get to fuck with me. 

So much shame arising from the memories. 

Be Safe. Until I can Be Productive.

My little Liv spoke up and it was so good, so beautiful, and so beautifully Brave.  Yet a couple weeks ago, simple fucking text, rocked BB into chaos. 

Lack of sleep added to the struggle.
I tried to sleep it would not happen. 

I feel like I’m doing it all wrong, yet i know in one sense that is a lie.  I’m doing it correctly and safely and to the best of my ability. I know I am loved, no matter what. 

Then last night another breaking point. Arrived home from friends house, as I texted her, while sitting in my locked car, outside my home…a stranger rode by on his bike.
no big deal I thought but felt much unease. I saw from corner of eye the guy was watching me took a huge circle then came back toward my car. He moved so he was in my blindspot so I focused forward.
Next thing I know he knocked on my window.
is this dude for fucking real??

I roll down window partway he flirts and I think propositioned me. I do not know for sure but when I think of this incident it scares the shit out of my insiders so yeah.

he ends up driving back the way he was headed before he turned around..I stayed in my car. Did not feel safe. He finally came back around and drove off as soon as he was out of sight I got out went in my house and locked the doors.

I texted my friend I was safe inside.

I was frozen and disassociated. I texted my spouse. He came down and helped me up to bed.

What happened next was miscommunication yet, I know God is using it to assist with my hubby and my need to connect. Did it fucking suck!
On all levels and accounts fucking fuck yes. However it is okay. It is over with and I was not hurt.

I leaned a lot more about myself today. I reached out to MC ..she is busy today, no openings. So chaos and spiral occurred…yet. I was so ready to heal from this shit..and honestly because i am grounded in Christ and the Holy Spirit and God…I heard HS say to me, “this is gonna hurt like hell today, it will be okay until tomorrow to talk together with MC..or if she has an opening today then you are to go today.” MC responded with I think it would be good to share with hubby what you have shared with me today….

All of me trusts MC fully so they did.

And it hurt ..OMG it hurt but I feel peace and understand even more about myself.

So even though the pain fucking hurts like hell and I don’t even remember what I said earlier it is okay because it was all part of God’s plan and that my friends …in the end really is all that matters.

Be blessed. Thanks for reading.